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In the epitome of getting news from other mediums other than the news, I was informed of the elections via a facebook post by Jen of a video from the Daily Show http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-january-18-2010/mass-backwards  , which I then followed with this someecard.  A trifecta of my absurdity—and yet I am the wiser for it. 

When my sister and brother in law were plagued with stomach flu, my 7 year old nephew Patrick got his younger brothers up, fed them breakfast, entertained them all day and put them to bed.  When Mo asked what time they got to sleep he replied “I got the kids to sleep at 7:30, but I had to keep going in to shut the light off so I didn’t get to sleep until a later.”  

Kristy Kreme texted me today, and ya I’m making that a news item.  The conversation went like this:

KKB: Is donating blood a weight loss technique?

TO’B: Nope.  It regenerates too quickly.  And by too quickly, I mean it’s a miracle how God has created such an efficient vessel.

KKB:  Darn.  There’s always a blood bus on campus.

TO’B: It’s still a nice a gesture but one of the questions asks about tattoos and traveling to Africa.

KKB: The tattoo thing always disqualifies me.

T O’B: They are pretty picky considering they are just going to test the blood first anyway IMHO.   I think a good stomach virus is still the way to go.

KKB:  I agree with both points.

If only we lived closer to Mo and Pat.  (And yes, we are always looking for the easy way out.)  My friend just lost 80 pounds (the hard way.)  She told me that she keeps pictures of her old self on her phone, and when waiters give her a hard time about the way she is ordering she pulls it out and says “Listen buddy, I just lost 80 pounds—do you want to be the reason I go back to looking like this?  I didn’t think so.  Now get me that grilled chicken with the sauce on the side.”  

I invited myself to hang out with some friends on Saturday.  I’m starting to think I need to do this more often.  Waiting around for an invitation is depressing—imposing oneself on others, not at all depressing.  Before we got to their place, we stopped for dinner.  When we arrived they asked if we were hungry (we did say we had eaten) and would we like to go to Cactus (where we had just walked from.)  I immediately said that was totally cool (careful not to mention we had already been.)  We walked over, waited for a table, were telling funny airplane stories when the manager walked by and said “are you planning on staying here all night?”  I casually said, “I think I just might” and asked Shane to continue his story.  I still think I could have gotten away with the plan if it were just Shane and I, but Cathy got curious.  Apparently now Cathy believes I can’t be trusted.  I can’t believe it took her this long to figure that out. 

Hit up the aquarium this weekend.  It is a lot less stressful when you aren’t losing a kid in there (it was just the one!)  I took a picture of the puffin’s and sent it to Evivova b/c when we first went to Maine as kids we thought a bird named “Puffin” was hilarious—and those “No Puffin” with the cigarette sign on it sent us into fits of giggles.  I asked if she needed me to get her the onesie that said “Stud Puffin” now—she asked if it was versatile… b/c the way her life was going she might be able to shove it on a cat.

Dawne and I couldn’t find Benodryl Quick Strips anywhere (apparently they stopped making them which is a travesty b/c they are so convenient and work so incredibly well)—so naturally I begged my mother to look in NY for them.  She asked what I needed them for—and when I told her sometimes a get all itchy when I touch dust she said okay.  But when I said and then sometimes Dawne stops breathing, she said she’d take a look.  She woke me up this morning at 7 with the amazing news that she had found 14 boxes to which I said “thanks mom”.  When I called her back at 9 (when I was awake) I enthusiastically said “THANKS MOM!”  I told her I haven’t been getting any sleep and she said she didn’t care at all.  I said kinda figured.  She also complained that I had yet to give her the pictures that the wonderful and perfect Dawne had taken of their anniversary party.  There was some minor back and forth with me threatening to not send the Valentine’s Day card I made her, and she threatened to send Dawne some Benodryl and she would cut all of my Benodryl into cute (but unusable) heart shapes.  Can you feel the love?

A new guy is staying at the brown house.  He’s basically a stranger that is going to work for Jordan in some capacity while staying here and using the van for three months (oh and he’s married so he’s useless to me.)  Jordan introduced him to Dawne and I as we were in pajamas in her bedroom.  When Jordan asked her to drive new guy to work, she (jokingly) asked is that what time I usually get up?  Then… the next morning she got a really bad migraine and couldn’t drive new guy.  AWK-WARD.  We haven’t actually seen him since. 

So… I know I stole the term “Hurty” from Shana, but after using it with my new PT—it’s now going into her vocabulary—FTW! At first I was ashamed and embarrassed b/c I do have a larger vocabulary—but then I realized she thought it was cool.

And I’m going to sign out with this invitation:

The Barefoot Contingent at the Q Cafe

Time: 7:30PM Friday, January 29th

Location: 3223 15th Avenue West, Seattle WA

The show order is:
The Head and The Heart
The Barefoot Contingent
Lower Lights Burning
Cost: $8

Hope you can come!

Gimpy Gertrude

I started writing my “How to Apply Heat Well” book today.  I think at least two recipes would be perfect for a football party if I had an inkling of excitement for football (I like to record the game and fast forward to the commercials) or any will to be social.  I believe I *could* get as excited as that chick for a good wedge…but they don’t have deli’s out here in Seattle—which makes my stomach cry. 

 

That is… as soon as I figure out what a Black Russian is.  Though I am certain that I am more likely to drink dark beer today than to drink my coffee black… and I don’t know why I’m continuing this train of thought… probably b/c I already wasted the really gook MLK cards last week.  I also started physical therapy for my foot last week (I only cried a lil after telling him that I couldn’t relax b/c he terrified me.)  I went for round two today… and after consulting Dr. Rach, I am switching therapists.  I can’t believe it’s been 10 weeks and I’m still a Gimpy Gertrude.  And don’t worry I have a card for what you’re thinking:

 

I’m still following the Conan drama… and therefore this card really touched my heart:

I have been on the phone with a lot of airlines lately… and I’m thoroughly displeased.  After one call I realized it would cost me less to cancel a ticket and rebook than to pay the change fee.  Another just bounced me around for a while—all in attempt to get an email confirmation resent.  The one that really got me upset was calling on behalf of Marisa and her ill husband—trying to change their flight so that he wouldn’t give an entire cross-Atlantic flight a stomach virus only to find that even with a doctor’s note the change would cost them 1200 dollars per person to switch to the next day. And I still need to make a couple more reservations… which I am thoroughly looking forward to.  In the words of Cathy Brigg Small: “Ggeeesh.”

Zach told me that he had a painting assignment recently—the first since, well, finger painting in kindergarten.  He didn’t want to mix the colors at all, so if it required black, but all he had was purple, well then purple hair, birds and tires it is.  When the teacher asked if it was his first project he replied “Oh no, I’ve been doing this for yeeeears.”  Her response?  “You know Zach, you’re quite funny.”   He also called to ask for some “necessary items” like foam swords.  When I asked why he needed them he said “To fight with, Duh.  Who doesn’t need foam swords.”

I tried out all of the Zynga games on Facebook this week.  They don’t float my boat at all.  I don’t need any game telling me what to do—especially when to do it.  And then, knowing how captivating these applications are to people—I started wondering what was wrong with me.  And then I said, wait, there’s nothing wrong with me.  I just need more thinking, a challenge… or at the very least a story or social interaction.  Give me a game of Scrabble with Sheelin, even when I’m losing miserably over YoVille any day.  The good news? I won’t be addicted any time soon.  The most attention grabbing was Janette’s poker game, but after continuously getting hit on during the game—I left the table.  Turns out my golden boobs picture wasn’t the only attention grabbing image in my arsenal. 

I forgot to have coffee yesterday.  Actually I had three cups—but it was decaf.  By 3pm I was so sleepy I had to take a nap—and now we know—without coffee I would rather be unconscious.

You're Black? Who's Black?

More than any other news story out there—the Conan/Leno issue is the one I am choosing to follow with close attention—including the Jimmy Kimmel as Leno video and the TV Guide pole on keeping Conan in the current spot.  And I don’t even watch late night television.  Remember how I used to have an office across from Letterman though?   That was cool. 

I flew back to Seattle on Monday… which is my explanation for not sending this out on Monday.  I have no good reason for the other days—but as it is Friday—and no one seemed to miss this email… I’m not going to apologize.  I do have a lot of random stories to tell you though so hopefully it will be worth the wait—even if the stories themselves seem slightly more disjointed than usual (and you thought it couldn’t be done!)

I went out with my sister to the Peekskill brewery and saw people I had hoped never to clamp eyes on ever again.  When I saw one chick she said “Hey! Are you still in Bellevue?” and I replied “Yup—I’m just visiting my parents for Christmas.”  Maureen then commented “Do you have any idea what that sounds like to everyone here?” Whoops—I have clearly been out of NY too long.  While we were there Maureen asked how funny I planned to be for the next hour.  When I asked why, she said “I just want to know if I should run to the bathroom or not.”

A very hot chick sat next to my cousin on the plane the other day and told him that she might need to hold his hand during the flight b/c she gets scared—then proceeded to hug him throughout the flight.   Surprisingly, he said it wasn’t awkward—at all. 

My aunt bought her grand kids all these apparently hideous shirts for Christmas—which they all proceeded to leave at her house.  When the last grand kid was leaving my aunt asked if he wanted to take them all back to school with him or else she would give them to her charity.  He had to bite his tongue so as not to say “Those kids are deaf, not blind Grandma.”

My brother asked me to write down a list of goals—and then accomplish them.  I thought this was fairly motivating… until the next day when he asked me what I had accomplished—that was entirely ten notches more motivating. 

I got two daily calendars for Christmas—one was a word a day (so I can really be just like Sookie Stackhouse) and for German Phrases so I can continue my education.  The word of the day one is cool…but as some of you know I used to be the “Word of the Day Girl.”  Back in middle school, I had a stroke of genius when I convinced the principle to let me give a word of the day, with a sentence and definition, over the loud speaker after the Pledge of Allegiance—which would completely fill up my community service requirement for the Honors Society without ever actually having any contact with real people.  Hmm now that I think about it, maybe it wasn’t so brilliant.  That “Word of the Day Girl” reputation might just have been the reason why I didn’t have any dates in middle school—but then it doesn’t explain the HS… so nope, I’m back to thinking it was Genius Gold.   Either way, I think what I really needed was a Map a Day Calendar b/c while playing an impromptu map quiz game with Kristy and Roy, when asked for cities in WI, we could only come up with Madison, Green Bay, Wassau and Waukegan (IL for those of you who didn’t get how dumb that answer was—I couldn’t even think of Milwaukee!)  Ugh, I know, I just knocked my down from my Genius Gold status to Bloody Idiot.  So sad.

My friend is getting married in February and she was showing some concern over her future in-laws.  She told me that they are terrible gift givers with the example that her brother-in-law just gave her a “What to expect when you are expecting” book for her birthday (and no, she isn’t pregnant.”  She also said her mother-in-law always asks questions she already knows the answers to—like “How do you like your coffee.”  I didn’t think that was such a bad question, but then she explained “Raul and I like my coffee exactly like she does, with just cream.  So every time she asks us how we like it, and he says, “Exactly like you do.”  And she responds, “So with cream and sugar.”  And he has to say “Is that how you like your coffee mom?” I’m sure the wedding will be just fine. 

My parents had me watch this lecture about Jesus and Mary the other day—and the greatest line was that they guy was “quoting” Jesus by saying “Oh my, me!” 

I am addicted to Andy Rooney.  I don’t know why it took me so long to discover him.  Here’s a good clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtSrfGvm7TU   and for Kristy who doesn’t know who Ali G is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpDyJObCKOY

Okay, I’m going to save some stories for Monday.  Have an awesome 3-Day weekend folks! 

Freezing Your Assets

“It looks like your life just got awesome.” –Debina Hall

While in reference to finding out that I didn’t need to make the trip down to Manhattan to see Janette, I still think that I am going to make this my New Year’s phrase to aspire to.  First, b/c I think Debina, and all of her lovely phrases, are hilarious.  Second, b/c I am wishin’ and a’ hopin’ that it’s actually true.  And thirdly, a lil bit of me wonders if I could just adjust my expectations so that little things like spending the evening on the couch instead of freezing my assets on a Saturday night made my life awesome, than I could truly create quite the wonderful life for myself. 

I woke up this morning with the overwhelming sense that I had an extreme amount of tasks to accomplish today without a single one of them relating to actual work.  Turns out 2010 is going to be an awful lot like 2009 only now I get to say Twenty-Ten, which always makes me feel like I just stepped into the future. 

I managed to see 3 movies last week… and none of them were the much hyped Avatar who Jordan pointed out a glowing recommendation of in the paper: “as spectacular as “OZ”—a movie which was made 20 years ago with roughly 20% of the budget for special effects. 

I did almost pee myself watching Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin in “It’s Complicated” and no special effects were necessary.  I had a lovely time at Doreen’s for New Years where I got to try out one of the new games a I got for Christmas (Yea, I still get games for Christmas.  You should be so lucky).  We played some Pictionary Man.  My niece Bailey thoroughly impressed me by trying to draw whatever she got no matter that she had never heard of the clue.  For example she drew a picture of a road, and a girl putting on a name tag for “Abby Road”, a boy, a girl, and person wearing a bonnet in her attempt to draw “Bonnie and Clyde” and then she drew a picture of me reading the instructions for “Richard Nixon” b/c I used him as an example of someone you might need to draw when I was explaining how to play.  She is pretty much the awesome. 

After that evening, I managed to not change out of the same clothes until Saturday.  I finally showered after working out with Maureen—starting off the year right by working out on all machines that did not require my feet. I’m not sure if I’m more impressed with myself for working out or for not showering for multiple days. 

After watching Penn State win, I took a gander that sending a text to Rollie saying “How did those Huskies play today” would elicit a deserved “How Dare U?” and it did!  I was not prepared for the extremely undeserved geriatric and vampire/deal with the devil attacks on the beloved Jo Pa including “He looked mildly confused and was probably just wondering when the nice lady was going to bring him some puddin’ and put on Matlock.”  I understand. Sometimes jealousy can make people say things they don’t mean.  My dad wasn’t entirely pleased that I spent most of the game reading Pride and Prejudice on my new Kindle.  I looked up when I heard my parents yelling/cheering--so I think we’re good. 

I accidently started a rumor.  When my parents picked me up from the airport, I mentioned to them the news that Briana was pregnant.  They were shocked and then I said “Oh, wait, my bad.  BRIANA isn’t pregnant.  I meant Brianne is pregnant.”  Oddly they were more upset that my friend from elementary school had not called them right away to tell them the news, then the fact that they hadn't gotten a phone call about my cousin.  

n email you probably don’t even care to read.”  But I came up empty handed-- so I’ll just bid you adieu with:

Okay, a lil short this week.   I searched and searched for a card that said “Sorry my job search interfered with writing you a