A Classic Girl With Classic Needs

Luke had a Halloween party Friday night in which a bunch of us were called upon to chaperone.  One parent walked right passed Diana and I and asked Dawne why there weren’t any chaperone’s there.  Dawne kindly explained to the mom that she was a ½ hour early and she had just passed two of the chaperones.  The mom didn’t believe Dawne and went up to the other house to see for herself exactly how many adults were in attendance. 

Jason and I were all too happy to yell at the kids in the pool, especially b/c we got flashlights to shine in their faces.  And when they asked “Why?” I just said, “Because I’m a jerk.  That’s why.”

Me: Do you think calling them “Bro” makes you cooler when you are yelling at them?

Jason: It was either “Bro” or “Hey pre-pubescent boy!”

At one point Jordan had his friend (who is a professional pyrotechnic) set off a full-on fireworks display.  Jason asked “Did Jordan just give instructions to put on such a spectacular show that the kids eventually got bored and started texting?” 

Marc asked if there was cake.  I told him that this was a Halloween party not a Birthday Party.  Jason said, “So after the live band, projector playing movies so you can watch them in the pool, fireworks, the pool itself, and s’mores by the lake what’s after this?  A roller derby in the back?” 

The entire 9^th grade class was invited, I think around 75 kids showed up.  When a mom asked me about the attendance I just told them that Luke’s older brother used to have combined parties summing up to 400 kids so this was drop in the bucket (hey, I never count!)   One mom asked me if we were the parents.  I said yes thinking that parents=chaperones.  She thought I was Luke’s mom and I just went with it.  When she left, Jason said, “Did you tell her that yea, I’m Luke’s mom.  I conceived him when I was 14 at a party JUST LIKE THIS and I thought I would spread the joy to the next generation.”

As Jordan was talking to a parent at the end of the party and exchanging something… Jason asked “Is this the part of the night when Jordan pays off the parents for bringing their kids to his son’s party?”

Lynn and Marianna were standing guard at the “locker rooms” but at one point Lynn said “excuse me, where are you going?” only to find out the kid really was a girl she just LOOKED like a boy.  Whoops. 

Mark found great pleasure in flashing the flashlight into the kids faces while they were in the pool.  When I asked if they were misbehaving he replied, “Naw.  I just like annoying them b/c I’m an adult and they can’t do anything about it.”  At the end of the night, Marc did a walk around the house.  When he got back to us I asked if he found anything and he said “No.  Not really.  Just 2 syringes and a used condom.”

Luke’s band was playing but periodically the mic was given to a kid who wanted to just say things like “Amanda? Amanda? I love you.  I do. I love you.  Amanda.” Or just heavily breathe into the mic.  It was when someone was drumming their fingers absentmindedly on the mic that I couldn’t take it anymore.  

Despite the fact that Jason and Diana thought I was a stick in the mud, I walked up and said, “Hey you! With the tappy tap.  Ya you.  Sing or don’t sing.  But that tappy tap nonsense is just annoying.”  I deemed that kid “Tappy Tap” for the rest of the evening, and it turns out I was not the only one to reprimand him for annoying behavior.  I heart being a chaperone. 

Dawne proved her dislike for authority figures once again when the fire marshal arrived and asked about an illegal firework complaint to which Dawne said, “Fireworks. Really?  Hmm.” And walked away—and then surprisingly, so did the fire marshal. 

Over all, it was a pretty good 60’s beach party in October.  Though, naturally, all the girls showed up in tank tops and shorts, again to a pool party in October.  A couple kids didn’t bring suits (which I was happy to overhear other kids say to these select few “Dude, who doesn’t bring a swim suit to a pool party?” and I don’t think a single one of them brought towels.  Of course not.  Why would you?

Top 100 Rally Signs

Father Guido Sarducci

We went to the Rally to Restore Sanity (Seattle) on Saturday despite the fact that all I wanted to do was sleep in.  At one point when they decided to have us listen to a boring Politian rather than the live feed of the DC Rally Jen decided to say, true to the spirit of the and in a sensible tone, “I am reasonably upset by this.” I’m glad that I went, but honestly I was not protesting when after 2 hours in the rain brunch was suggested.  Jen decided to get a “Magnolia” which was Champagne, OJ, Ice and Grand Marnier.  I passed and ordered a Mimosa stating clearly that “I am a classic girl with classic needs.”  I’m thinking about making this my motto.

 

Jamie and Patrick had a ghoulish party on Saturday night.  At the last minute, I forwent taking a nap, and made a new costume using only supplied in the house.  I really truly believed that my costume idea was brilliant and hilarious as I had decided to go as ghost of Paul the Psychic Octopus complete with “I predicted this” sign.  Dawne asked if my friends were worldly enough to get the reference.  Turns out I was wrong and she was right.

Jen came as a Baker and dressed 4 year old Lily as a cute cupcake.  Apparently her mother had suggested the costumes and told her to go door to door on Halloween night handing out Cake Envy business cards.  Jen said “Other than conceiving me out of wedlock this was the most brilliant idea my mother has ever had.” 

(PS Jen made more cool cakes for the party and hopefully she’ll update her cite in time for you to see them http://www.facebook.com/cakeenvyseattle  Many people were oohing and ahhing saying that the cakes looked “Too good to cut” when Rach jumped in and said, “I’ll do it!” Thank you and it was delicious.)

In response to a picture of Zombie Patrick eating 5 year old Piper, Jeramy said, “Oh good you’re eating my child’s head.”

We played some Halloween themed Pictionary.  I tried to cherry pick my teammates by calling Dawne.  Then I realized she didn’t have her glasses with her so she wasn’t even going to able to read the clues. But she was extremely flattered which I guess is all that matters.  Laina drew the following and was thrilled when we got that it was plural. 

In case you didn’t guess what it was either, these were demons.  Laina thought about how demons sounds like lemons but couldn’t remember how to draw a lemon.  Ultimately she decided what was wrong was that she forgot arms.  Obviously, that’s what was missing. 

In other Laina news, today at Brunch Laina was telling us that after listening to her mother complaining about her sister for quite some time Laina finally interjected with “You should have worn a condom.”   

(As soon as I find my ballot that is…)

And thus brings us to the conclusion of part 2.  I am sure I missed a bunch b/c I had a really rockin’ good weekend but sometimes you just can’t capture it all in one place. 

Much love,

T O’B 

Death by Slim-fast Shake

Sean told my parents that Bailey's principal is recommending her for a scholarship at Johns Hopkins Summer camp, or as my dad interjected, "Camp Janette" as it's referred to in the O'Brien household."  I'm so glad someone in our family is finally following in Janette's footsteps.  

The other day Becky was so funny that I almost choked and died on a Slim Fast Shake.  I am trying to think of a sadder obituary headline but I just can't at the moment.  I returned the favor in kind five minutes later, but I still think choking on a cherry tomato is an exceedingly more respectable way to die. 

I don't have a trash at work.  I do however have a stapler (without staples) and a tape dispenser (without tape) and a stapler remover (perhaps I could reshape the used staples and recycle?  I've decided that, rather than as for a trash, I am going to use it as my method of making friends.  I'll for sure have to walk to the kitchen to use the trash... or I could be bolder and continually ask other to use their trash as a bit of a conversation starter.  My boss doesn't know anyone in the office b/c she hasn't been here for that long so I offered to introduce her to any cool people I met.  Just another service I provide.  

I sit in the web development area.  I met someone the other day and they said "Good to meet you and Congratulations on getting the worst desk in the office!"  The desk is very deceiving.  See it is on the edge by the corner which seems like it would be ideal only there is a 3 foot by 3 foot vent between me and the window that cuts into ¼ of my desk space making 3 feet unusable.  I’m thinking the lack of trash was primarily due to the fact there isn’t any space for it.  I cleared out some boxes from one area (to be stored) and temporarily put them in my area and this VP guy just looked at them, laughed, and said “So you thought you had TOO much space?” Who am I kidding, it’s just nice to have desk.  

The guy next to me hums.  It’s week one, so clearly I think this is adorable, but I’ll be sure to give you regular updates in case this is another of those “Isn’t Jerry (of the Tom and Jerry web-team duo)’s Pink Panther ring tone the coolest thing ever!?” situations.  

There was this sweet email from one of my Japanese co-worker re: Halloween that basically said I am not wearing a costume b/c this other guy is visiting and isn’t wearing a costume not b/c I hate American culture.  Awesome!

I came back to my desk and said:

Me: Did you miss me? I’ve been gone for like an hour.

Him: Uh. No.  I didn’t even notice.

Me: You could have just lied and said yes.

Him: I try not to lie.

Me: This is not going to work for me.

Becky doesn't think my cube mates will ever be ready for me.  

Random Co-Worker: Are you a fangbanger? 

Me: I was going for Pam from True Blood.

RCW: You should be wearing a polyester pink suit.

Me: But I’m working Pam.  Ya know.  B/c I’m at work. 

I probably shouldn’t have gone with the bright fuchsia pumps and matching "lady of the street" Fuchsia Fusion lipstick to work huh?  At least I left the Fuchsia Bustier purse and mini-skirt at home. 

Alright… this was Tuesday to Friday afternoon.  The last 2 ½ days will be continued so you aren’t overwhelmed. :)

T O’B 

Merlotte Madness

In case you didn’t get a ridiculously excited text, phone call, email, singing telegram from me, I got a job (which I started today.  I am working at Pokémon.)  Kevin called me on Thursday to say “Um Aunt Tiffany? If you still have a job in December…”  Nice that I’ve taught my nephews about the realities of the work force (or at least my inability to keep a job.)  Patrick also called me and, to be helpful, launched into reading me a Pokémon book.  Only this book wasn’t a story as much of a listing of characters which he began reading off (interrupted only by “and in the next column.”)  A ¼ of the way through I suggested that maybe I could just purchase the book myself so I could see the characters at the same time (but I think I hurt his feelings.) 

 My dad is going down to visit my uncle (his older brother) in Florida in a couple of weeks.  When I was talking to Uncle Donald he suggested the only reason my dad was making the trip was to confirm that he was still alive.  I offered a second suggestion that perhaps he just really loves his big brother and wants to spend some time with him.  Uncle Donald’s response? “Yea.  I guess we go way back.” 

I went a pumpkin carving party and it turns out that just like when I was younger, the kid who brings the best toys to the play ground wins, and do I know what tools to bring when bringing a great pumpkin to life.  In other Martha Stewart like news, I also baked 5 dozen muffins (Jamie, I am sorry again I almost killed you with my death muffins), 2 pecan pies, strawberry cupcakes and my momela’s mac-n-cheese (in the lil ramekins for the perfect bite, every bite.)  And this morning, when we forgot about Luke’s bake sale, those 2 pies and a dozen muffins transformed forgetfulness to over achiever status.   

I had an awesome Game Night / Sleep over party in honor of John Michael’s visit into town.   The delightful personalities that attended were wildly entertaining.  So entertaining that Jordan asked Dawne why we didn’t have more game nights to which Dawne respectfully replied, um b/c we needed Tiffany’s friends to fill the seats.  Hey, I’m willing to send out the invites as long as we’re all okay with losing to Dawne on a consistent basis. At one point we needed batteries for Guesstures and decided to take them out of the emergency flashlight agreeing wholeheartedly that we would come to regret this action later but also agreeing that playing Guesstures was much more important. 

I was talking to Roy the other day.  I remember that he was hilarious throughout the phone call but all I can remember is the fact that he was outraged that he wasn’t my only gay friend and he told me that he gets really busy, but he still loves me dearly and “Even if I had nothing to do all day I still wouldn’t call you.” 

There were some plans made the weekend to set up a dark room.  When a location was determined Luke started to say “Well in Funny Face they had space for…” but was interrupted by Jordan saying “I told you when we watched that movie that dark rooms are never big enough to dance in.” 

This is random, but when we were out for lunch the other day Luke came back to the table with red dripping down his hands saying “That ketchup machine is a jerk.”

 Zach was at a girls house the other day when he saw a back cover of a book with a striking resemblance to one ½ of our favorite Small Duo.

I was very comfy in my bed on Friday night when I received a phone call from Jen.  When she asked me to go to Karaoke I told her I was already in my jam jam’s.  She quickly said, “You’re useless to me” and hung up.  Apparently, I do NOT like to be called useless b/c I called her back and told her I was on my way.   While I did not sing, I did get to see John Michael one more time before he left and I didn’t have to put make up on b/c I am never looking to make eye contact never mind pick up guys at Goldie’s.

The party last night was a True Blood Scavenger Hunt that took the attendees to various “Bon Temps” locations complete with show related tasks at each stop.  People were paired up as much as possible so that there was more fun to be had within each car.  I put Marianna, Pam, Shane, Cathy and Becky in a car.  When they finished Shane announced decidedly “I am never going to be doing the Amazing Race with any of you.”  Marianna took this proclamation in stride and said, “I don’t think any of us were volunteering to be your partner.” 

We also got a dive bar to change their name to Merlotte’s (the name of the bar in the show) for the evening and all of their waitresses wore Merlotte’s shirts.  Dawne agreed to make the 8 foot by 4 foot sign.  She did this by grabbing the Merlotte’s mug that Jordan had gotten her from the kitchen which has a 1 inch by ½ an inch logo as a reference and then drawing the enlarged copy on the material.  When Luke saw the tiny logo next to the finished sign he said to her, “You did that just to show off.”   As we were hanging out at the bar, Dawne and Amada, who were dressed as the telepathic waitress Sookie, were chatting it up.  An older gentleman patron sat next to them and was waiting for service.  He became annoyed as he stared them down and they were ignoring him so he got up to find the owner and complained about his lazy help.  This is when the owner had to explain that they weren’t actually working but dressed in costume and were paying for the party that was happening.  (To be honest though, they were staying in character seeing as Sookie doesn’t exactly get a lot of work done.)  Jen also inquired “Where did you get your fangs b/c Shane and Cathy said they got theirs at the dentist… and I didn’t think that was true but…”  Finally, the evening was wrapping itself up when Laina says to me I just told that guy at the bar that I had to work tomorrow.  He asked what I did and I told him I was a hooker.  He pulled out a $20 and I was like look at me. Do I look like I’m only worth 20 bucks?” 

I’ll add more pictures soon!

T O’B 

I can too cook!

D&J went to Chicago this weekend and I waited until Thursday to update last week.  So basically this is short due to the fact that I only had three days of material to work with and (as crazy as this might seem) these stories are never made up.  

We were in the pool on Wednesday for around a ½ hour when suddenly Lucas said OH. MY. GOD. And then pulled his iphone out of his pocket.  We’re still not sure about why one would put their phone into their swimsuit, but hey let’s not focus on the details right?  We immediately drove to the store to get some rice (b/c *someone* threw out the contents of the pantry a couple of weeks ago.)  Before we got to the register Luke and opened up the box and stuffed his phone inside the box.  The woman at the check-out commented that she had never seen someone sample rice before purchasing.  We simply told her we didn’t trust the packaging imagery—we wanted to make sure it was really THAT white.  You know how marketing can be.

Here’s a word of advice.  Never say to Dawne:  It must be so nice to not have to do anything all day long.  I’m not sure you’re drawing that circle correctly.  And are you sure you know how to use a drill?  The first is just not true.  The second is ridiculous.  And the third could get a screw through your hand… and it won’t be an accident.  As if we have never moved an office before, many men offered suggestions on how to take apart furniture even though I am fairly certain Dawne was the only one who thought to bring power tools.

Evivova and her friends were having a Jersey Shore Party in honor of her friend moving to NJ.  One of her friends was very enthusiastic about the theme and bought a whole outfit complete with blonde wig and pleather leopard skin pants.  Eva (who’s costume consisted entirely of some extra thick blue eye shadow) thought it would just be hilarious to tell her guidette extraordinaire to meet at Grand Central (?) at 7 and not show up until 8 just to see how many prostitute offers she received.  Not cool Evivova.  Not cool. 

Lucas believes that if he learns how to cook he’ll be able to get lots of ladies.  So we souffled this weekend.  I called my mom to ask if she had ever made a soufflé.  She told me it couldn’t be done and that I should just set my sights on something else.  After I made the first part perfectly I called her and she told me to stop while I was still perfect. Lucas was fairly appalled and asked how in the world I grew up with such a discouraging mother.  Now I think you all know why I am the way I am.  Now that we have the tiny ramekin dishes we’re going to see how many things we can make in them.  Next will be crème brule (b/c who doesn’t like to use a blow torch?) followed by individual baked mac-n-cheese.  Wish us luck (b/c according to my mother we’re going to need it.)   

 Lucas to me: When I say your name I think of Tufts University and the Boston School Museum of the Fine Arts. 

Weekend mornings are often started with some crepe making (or at least me watching and commenting on Lucas making crepes.  This weekend he spiced it up and made some gingerbread flavored crepes.  I, naturally, started to sing some Bob Marley as he was stirring only to get Luke’s response of “Actually, it’s “Steer it up.”  It’s about Bison, Tufts University.” 

My uncle told me that he made lots of stuff too when he was younger adding. “Boy, sifting flour sure does make a mess – especially when you’re 6.” 

I went to the SAM with Diana on Saturday.  When my friend Erika called I told her at I was at a museum and she said in shock “You go to museums?”  I told her calmly, yes, I went to museums.  I’m shocked she didn’t know this considering the grandiose culture of State College, PA.  It was opening weekend of the Picasso exhibit.  I highly recommend it, but due to the large amount of people not paying attention and knocking into me for a prolonged amount of time I had a mini-panic attack and had to bolt.  I called my therapist (Okay it was Erika) and she says it wasn’t a true panic attack because I didn’t feel like I was having a heart attack nor did I start to hyperventilate, but I still left Diana in the dust.  Not cool of me, clearly, but not as bad as that time I left her in South Africa.   

I had lunch with Jen today.  I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my deep adoration for this lady, but incase I have in the past let me tell you now that this adoration has been increased by 20% (10% for each cupcake she gave me just for having lunch with her.)

All of my friends were going to Wild Waves on Saturday for an awesome Halloween Haunted House Extravaganza.  I chose not to go and decided to go to a different party with new people in an attempt to reconnect and expand my network of people.  The problem with being social, I find, is that it isn’t good enough to just be social with the old people.  No, in order to really push your life forward you need to spread out.  The problem with spreading out is its hard work and even if you do meet cool people and instantly connect and have hilarious inside jokes right off the bat, translating that to actually having a new friend is basically impossible without coming off as desperate or pushy.  If someone has a secret to this social situation, now would be a great time to share that particular nugget.  Feel free to email me at tiffany@sweetandsarcastic.com if you don’t want the whole world to know.  I promise to keep it to myself.  Really.

I started running with Nala in the park (she is such a guy magnet that I might actually get into shape.)  The other day I went to the dog park with Becky and she was telling me that she was going to take it easy on Friday night.  She told her husband that they should spend one night not doing anything.  Her husband quickly replied, “Since we’re not going to be doing other stuff maybe we can do each other?”

T O'B  

Building a Bad Reputation

Hi Friend,

I told Dawne about the miner’s and she said, “Okay do you young people or…” I really should have been clearer.

Here’s the problem with me not getting my act together until Thursday.  Those people in my inner circle who only get their news from me have no idea what is going on in the world three days longer than they need to.   In summary…

I know, the real news is that Courtney and David split up. 

This might come as a shock to many of you, but I do not roll out of bed gorgeous and cheerful.  (Should I have asked you to sit down before I laid that on you?)  In fact, if you can stretch your imagination to the opposite of those two adjectives you’ll start getting a picture of what I looked like last Tuesday when I came down stairs to find that I needed to move my car.  I walked outside (in my jamjam’s) to find 6 hot EMT’s in my drive way saying “Oh you found the keys!” When I did move the car they all swarmed closer to make fun of the guy driving the ambulance with me.  I know Uncle Ray had an incredibly terrible morning but I can’t say that mine was all that bright either. 

As Aunt Pat was running out of the house I asked her if she wanted me to drive her to the hospital and she said “No just take care of Shorty, she’s a wreck.”  I was like “You’re a wreck, how’s about I take care of you?”  But nooooooo.  I got the dog instead.  I took Shorty with me to lunch.  She climbed up onto the seat, and since I had the top down, she stuck her head out the window.  Unfortunately, the wind must have been too much b/c they she proceeded to sneeze all over my car (good thing I carry that Maguire stuff in my car.)  Shana and Melissa were super understanding but I’m getting awfully worried that Nala is starting to give me a bad reputation. 

(I know.  Nala is 3 pounds now.  She’s ginormous.)

Diana got a new kitten.  She posted a picture of the new kitten and I immediately asked for a side by side of her new kitten and her other cat.  I thought these images were so incredibly hilarious that after I wiped the tears of joy away, I immediately wanted to share that joy with you.

This is the Baby Kitten Tundra:

This is a Baby Tiger:

This is Titan:

Dawne and I pulled up to pick up Luke from the Park and Ride like every day only to have a parking lot security guard “run” up to us and tell us that we needed to move.  Dawne, immediately and quickly, said this is ridiculous and jumped out of the car to get Luke.  The guard told her she had to walk around the parking deck instead of straight to Luke b/c the buses are really fast in this area.  Knowing that he was a liar she looked at him with a gaze that screamed “I can totally out run you” but in a moment of sanity, chose to walk around.  Angry at being told what to do, she inquired further on the other side only to find out that there was a possible bomb in one of the buses and they were evacuating the area.  When Dawne got back to the car she was shocked.  Not because of the bomb but due to the fact that she had no idea she had such a deep dislike for authority figures.  Still appalled by her behavior while I participated in mocking said behavior we suddenly were cut off by a bus as the driver yelled out to us “ya’ll better get the hell out of here quick before we all get blown up!”  Maybe not the best day to have my top down?

We went to see the Social Network and then at dinner on Saturday we ruined it for Rach and Diana who hadn’t seen the movie by not only discussing it but describing every detail of the movie.  Sorry Ladies, but to be fair, Jordan did most of the talking. 

My 5 year old nephew Kyle walked into my parents house wearing a size one long sleeved Albany shirt that, while it fit his body, the sleeves were now up to his elbows.  My mother tried to suggest that perhaps it was about time he found another shirt.  His older brother Patrick looked between the two combatants and said, “Don’t bother.  He’s never giving that thing up.”  That same week Kevin (the 6 and ½ year old) came out of his room wearing 18 month sized shorts saying “Hey, they were in my drawer so they’re mine.”  When Mo explained that they were for babies he said, “Man, those babies must be HUGE.”  I’m going to throw this out there—maybe we need to take an evaluation of these boys’s wardrobe?

Jordan came home from a morning at the air and space museum with his dad on Saturday with a brand new toy.  He was super excited because it was a steal of a deal.  And this is when I was reminded of his Jewish heritage and their reputation for love of a bargain b/c it was totally a Nazi replica plane.

So this morning Patrick was down at the bus stop and Kevin noticed that Patrick had some cereal sticking to his tee shirt. When asked if he was going to take it off, Patrick responded, "No, I am going to have them for a snack later."

Patrick: If you get a new girlfriend do you get a new boat?

Sean: What?

Patrick: When Uncle Bill got a new girlfriend he got a new boat.

Sean: No Patrick.  If I get a girlfriend, I lose the boat, I lose the house, I lose the car.

Much love kids,

T O’B 

Maggots are not Magical

Janette told me the other day that I am her sole source of news, which is funny given that my sole source of news is someecards.com.  So to make sure that Janette is in the know I promised to post this clip:  Colbert Does Congress

Also they guy who invented the Segway died riding a segway off of a cliff.  Despite the jokes, I cannot find any confirmation that an anvil fell on his head after he landed…but here’s your card.

Maureen was handing back some tests on Monday with the caveat “I kinda spilled coffee all over these papers so they might be a little discolored.  I bet Mrs. O’Brien used to do that all the time last year huh?” and then they all had a nice hearty laugh.  (I realize this is only funny to people who know Maureen and Stacey, but hey, maybe one day you’ll be lucky to meet then and all will be right with the world.)

Justin Ziran has convinced me that the only way that I will be successful in love is to meet, marry and have babies with a man before he finds out about my rather large and intimidating network of friends and family.  See? It’s totally a good idea to get life advice from your former boss turned bff.  In fact, I might never ask anyone else for advice again seeing as his insight not only identifies the problem succinctly, he also gives an immediate solution and plan of action.  *Love* him.

I asked Frita if he was working on something for his CCD class and he said “Don’t call it CCD that’s what destroyed you! It’s Religion Class.”  Thanks Frita for the terminology correction and informing me of my destructed state.   Then Evivova reminded me that we used to call it “Central City Dump” b/c we didn’t know what CCD stood for.  I think that was more a contributor to the destruction than not calling it Religion Class.

Frita told me I should read GAUDIUM ET SPES to hopefully gain some insight on an earlier discussion we had had about the Vatican.  He said to read it out loud to Nala, then see if she barks at any of the sentiments that are portrayed in the document.  I told him Nala doesn’t bark.  He said “The point is dogs don’t lie” and that is when I heard my mother in the background say “Is that where the term dogma came from?”  I kid you not.  Then Frita handed over the phone and my mother, still laughing at herself, said “Are you ready to talk to someone who is sane?” to which I naturally asked “Sure.  Are you honestly suggesting that person be you?”  

My nephews (5, 6 1/2 and 8) Skype'd me today. We were talking about our weekends. 

Kevin: What did you do last night?
Me: I watched a Vampire show with my friend Brian.
Kevin: Was he on Jeopardy?
Patrick: Or Wheel of Fortune? I think he was on Wheel of Fortune.
Kevin: I'm pretty sure it was Jeopardy, Patrick.
Me: I don't know. He might have been but I don't think so.
Kevin: Oh. Maybe it wasn't the same Brian. That happens you know.

This was about 2 minutes before my sister said "You have a father. Go find him and don't come back for 20 minutes" and 5 minutes before she said "what is this up my pant leg?" and then pulled out an apple.

Kyle apparently shares similar traits with Nate as he managed to catch a spider and put it inside a Lego treasure chest (you know the ones, 1 inch by ½ inch?)  The length’s that this kid is willing to go to get a pet of his own. 

While on the phone with Mo, I heard Lil Patrick ask “What are genital warts?”  Mo replied, “Warts that you get on your penis.”  And then to me she said “Better he learns it from me than in the back of the bus right?”  Who talks about genital warts in the back of the bus?

My uncle had both knees replaced this week.  The night before he went in for surgery, I was telling everyone about this potential job opportunity in which I would need to work from 2am to 10am.  He said "Well you don't get up until 12 anyway."  This is just an all out lie.  I held back my outrage and said, "You know for someone who is going to need an awful lot of help for the next 6 weeks you would think you'd be nicer to me.  That's cool.  I'll just make coffee and when you ask for some at 8, in between sips, I'll just apologize and politely inform you that I don't get up until noon."  

Lucas went on a camping trip with his school last week into what he affectionately called the “Weeelderness.”  When he returned he told me that one of his friends who is quite small has very defined abs.  He couldn’t quite call them a six pack though seeing as how small his whole body was.  They were more like “Chiclets Abs.” What a waste of a few million sit-ups only be mocked by how miniscule his results were. 

Luke also told me that he asked a girl to dance and got rejected.  At first was appalled on his behalf.  I inquired about the details of the rejection.  He said he walked up to the chick and said “Dance with me, Baby!”And she flat out refused.  Turns out though, it wasn’t at a dance that he asked this girl to get down and boogie.  No.  They were camping in the middle of the weeeeelderness, no music could be heard and the girl was on her way to throw out some trash when he stepped up and said, “Dance with me, Baby!”  He wasn’t about to give her any slack, sticking to his statement of “Can you believe her!?” while the rest of us all agreed not to hate quite yet.

What else?  I had lunch with a stranger on Tuesday.  That was um, exactly what it sounds like, followed by hanging out with Diana which was a lovely contrast.  I can’t for the life of me remember what happened on Wednesday so I’m sure it was terribly boring.  Thursday, a new friend came over early and we went swimming, followed by new friend making the whole fam a delicious lunch and then more swimming.  I followed that delightful behavior with a fashion show with friends (in and out of the fashion show.)  Jason and Diana wanted you all to know how much Pizza a model like Diana needs to keep her figure.  

Friday felt very busy with gorgeous weather, top down on my way to an interview, and then other busy things that prevented me from going to the doctor and getting anti-biotic for my ear infection (to which I paid dearly for for the entire weekend.)  Laina got sick on Friday which was super sad because we were scheduled to go see Jennifer Coolidge.  Luckily, Diana stepped up to the plate and then laughter ensued. 

OH NO.  I just remembered what I did on Wednesday.  I had almost blocked it out of my memory.  I spent 6 hours cleaning maggots out of the pantry.  The most DISCUSTING thing I have ever done.  Ever.  Then I took 4 showers and some Benedryl (b/c I was convinced they were crawling all over me) to get to sleep.  Yucks.

Saturday was Janette day.  I told Jordan “I’m hanging out with Janette today.  I really like her.”  He was like “I know.  Every time you say her name you follow it with: I really like her.”  And I do.  After a nap, I met her in Capital Hill and she had already bought a boom box and was getting some batteries.  (The extra two double d’s were used as props for the rest of the evening.)  Despite not following my mother’s cardinal rules of drinking and consuming beer, wine tasting, flaming dr. peppers, gin and tonics, vodka and tonics and a slew of other concoctions, I was not at all ill that evening or on Sunday.  I like to think my body knew I was just trying to drown out the pain in my ear.  Neville wasn’t as happy as I was on Sunday, but at least he didn’t get sick in my car.  Yay!  The quote of the night was this guy telling me about his 2 year old son’s diaper rash (seemed like a lot of information for just meeting him but whatever.)  His wife was applying some cream to their son and he yelled, “Woman!  Careful of the balls!” and ever since then his son randomly yells “Woman, Careful of the balls!” 

I think we’ll end on that note.