Maggots are not Magical

Janette told me the other day that I am her sole source of news, which is funny given that my sole source of news is someecards.com.  So to make sure that Janette is in the know I promised to post this clip:  Colbert Does Congress

Also they guy who invented the Segway died riding a segway off of a cliff.  Despite the jokes, I cannot find any confirmation that an anvil fell on his head after he landed…but here’s your card.

Maureen was handing back some tests on Monday with the caveat “I kinda spilled coffee all over these papers so they might be a little discolored.  I bet Mrs. O’Brien used to do that all the time last year huh?” and then they all had a nice hearty laugh.  (I realize this is only funny to people who know Maureen and Stacey, but hey, maybe one day you’ll be lucky to meet then and all will be right with the world.)

Justin Ziran has convinced me that the only way that I will be successful in love is to meet, marry and have babies with a man before he finds out about my rather large and intimidating network of friends and family.  See? It’s totally a good idea to get life advice from your former boss turned bff.  In fact, I might never ask anyone else for advice again seeing as his insight not only identifies the problem succinctly, he also gives an immediate solution and plan of action.  *Love* him.

I asked Frita if he was working on something for his CCD class and he said “Don’t call it CCD that’s what destroyed you! It’s Religion Class.”  Thanks Frita for the terminology correction and informing me of my destructed state.   Then Evivova reminded me that we used to call it “Central City Dump” b/c we didn’t know what CCD stood for.  I think that was more a contributor to the destruction than not calling it Religion Class.

Frita told me I should read GAUDIUM ET SPES to hopefully gain some insight on an earlier discussion we had had about the Vatican.  He said to read it out loud to Nala, then see if she barks at any of the sentiments that are portrayed in the document.  I told him Nala doesn’t bark.  He said “The point is dogs don’t lie” and that is when I heard my mother in the background say “Is that where the term dogma came from?”  I kid you not.  Then Frita handed over the phone and my mother, still laughing at herself, said “Are you ready to talk to someone who is sane?” to which I naturally asked “Sure.  Are you honestly suggesting that person be you?”  

My nephews (5, 6 1/2 and 8) Skype'd me today. We were talking about our weekends. 

Kevin: What did you do last night?
Me: I watched a Vampire show with my friend Brian.
Kevin: Was he on Jeopardy?
Patrick: Or Wheel of Fortune? I think he was on Wheel of Fortune.
Kevin: I'm pretty sure it was Jeopardy, Patrick.
Me: I don't know. He might have been but I don't think so.
Kevin: Oh. Maybe it wasn't the same Brian. That happens you know.

This was about 2 minutes before my sister said "You have a father. Go find him and don't come back for 20 minutes" and 5 minutes before she said "what is this up my pant leg?" and then pulled out an apple.

Kyle apparently shares similar traits with Nate as he managed to catch a spider and put it inside a Lego treasure chest (you know the ones, 1 inch by ½ inch?)  The length’s that this kid is willing to go to get a pet of his own. 

While on the phone with Mo, I heard Lil Patrick ask “What are genital warts?”  Mo replied, “Warts that you get on your penis.”  And then to me she said “Better he learns it from me than in the back of the bus right?”  Who talks about genital warts in the back of the bus?

My uncle had both knees replaced this week.  The night before he went in for surgery, I was telling everyone about this potential job opportunity in which I would need to work from 2am to 10am.  He said "Well you don't get up until 12 anyway."  This is just an all out lie.  I held back my outrage and said, "You know for someone who is going to need an awful lot of help for the next 6 weeks you would think you'd be nicer to me.  That's cool.  I'll just make coffee and when you ask for some at 8, in between sips, I'll just apologize and politely inform you that I don't get up until noon."  

Lucas went on a camping trip with his school last week into what he affectionately called the “Weeelderness.”  When he returned he told me that one of his friends who is quite small has very defined abs.  He couldn’t quite call them a six pack though seeing as how small his whole body was.  They were more like “Chiclets Abs.” What a waste of a few million sit-ups only be mocked by how miniscule his results were. 

Luke also told me that he asked a girl to dance and got rejected.  At first was appalled on his behalf.  I inquired about the details of the rejection.  He said he walked up to the chick and said “Dance with me, Baby!”And she flat out refused.  Turns out though, it wasn’t at a dance that he asked this girl to get down and boogie.  No.  They were camping in the middle of the weeeeelderness, no music could be heard and the girl was on her way to throw out some trash when he stepped up and said, “Dance with me, Baby!”  He wasn’t about to give her any slack, sticking to his statement of “Can you believe her!?” while the rest of us all agreed not to hate quite yet.

What else?  I had lunch with a stranger on Tuesday.  That was um, exactly what it sounds like, followed by hanging out with Diana which was a lovely contrast.  I can’t for the life of me remember what happened on Wednesday so I’m sure it was terribly boring.  Thursday, a new friend came over early and we went swimming, followed by new friend making the whole fam a delicious lunch and then more swimming.  I followed that delightful behavior with a fashion show with friends (in and out of the fashion show.)  Jason and Diana wanted you all to know how much Pizza a model like Diana needs to keep her figure.  

Friday felt very busy with gorgeous weather, top down on my way to an interview, and then other busy things that prevented me from going to the doctor and getting anti-biotic for my ear infection (to which I paid dearly for for the entire weekend.)  Laina got sick on Friday which was super sad because we were scheduled to go see Jennifer Coolidge.  Luckily, Diana stepped up to the plate and then laughter ensued. 

OH NO.  I just remembered what I did on Wednesday.  I had almost blocked it out of my memory.  I spent 6 hours cleaning maggots out of the pantry.  The most DISCUSTING thing I have ever done.  Ever.  Then I took 4 showers and some Benedryl (b/c I was convinced they were crawling all over me) to get to sleep.  Yucks.

Saturday was Janette day.  I told Jordan “I’m hanging out with Janette today.  I really like her.”  He was like “I know.  Every time you say her name you follow it with: I really like her.”  And I do.  After a nap, I met her in Capital Hill and she had already bought a boom box and was getting some batteries.  (The extra two double d’s were used as props for the rest of the evening.)  Despite not following my mother’s cardinal rules of drinking and consuming beer, wine tasting, flaming dr. peppers, gin and tonics, vodka and tonics and a slew of other concoctions, I was not at all ill that evening or on Sunday.  I like to think my body knew I was just trying to drown out the pain in my ear.  Neville wasn’t as happy as I was on Sunday, but at least he didn’t get sick in my car.  Yay!  The quote of the night was this guy telling me about his 2 year old son’s diaper rash (seemed like a lot of information for just meeting him but whatever.)  His wife was applying some cream to their son and he yelled, “Woman!  Careful of the balls!” and ever since then his son randomly yells “Woman, Careful of the balls!” 

I think we’ll end on that note.