High Caliber Ladies

This week, as you know started with me being run down from a crazy weekend of fun, flights and not enough sleep at night.  Naturally, I got sick.  At one point I was in the elevator going to work and just said out load “I can see how people used to die from this.”  Later, Becky was happy to come into work and tell me that I was “Literally making her sick.”  Needless to say, I went to work and then slept for 15 hours at night trying to bump up my health and there’s just nothing funny about that.  I do remember worrying about my co-workers and could not stop thinking about this card:

At one point Becky and I went to Panera, and while simultaneously ordering soup and hot cocoa, I said to the woman behind the counter “Look at this ninja copying my order.”  To which Becky had an equally snarky response, directed of course to her woman behind the corner.  They both looked at each other and asked “Are you guys best friends?”  To which we said, “uh, Yes?” and then looked at each other like “Was that the right answer?”

Later that day, we were in the elevator (we go to get coffee a lot okay? Did you just meet me?) and Becky says, “I realized that in this relationship, I always have to press the button in the elevator or else we don’t go anywhere.” To which I replied, “Yea.  So? I push the button outside of the elevator AND when you don’t press the button I eventually remind you of your job. That’s helpful right?”

Rach and I were supposed to hang out on Saturday.  I didn’t wake up until 11 and then went to IHOP with the fam and Jacob, and then I called Rach to warn her that I was sick in case she didn’t want to hang out with me.  Dawne heard this and said, “Oh good. I’m glad you told her.  I saw you at lunch today and was so happy I wasn’t sitting next to you.”  Rach and I wrapped presents, watched 2 minutes of Holiday Inn, shopped, wrapped some more, had Erika’s Hot Heaven, and snuggled in to watch Elf.  Good day. 

(While watching Holiday Inn)

Rachel:  Why are their faces all black?

Me: That’s what they call in the biz “Black Face”

Rach: That is so offensive

(While watching Twas the Night Before Christmas Sunday night)

Zach (seeing the cartoon depiction of a black family in 1974): That is so offensive.

Rach: They might as well be in Black Face.

Zach: You should check if the first episode of Atlantic…

Rach: Zach? Is that what we’re doing here?

Zach:  No.  Sorry.

We watched Prep and Landing and now I’m going to try to use “That is so Tinsel!” at least once a day until Saturday.

Zach: We should get Egg Nog!

Me: There is Silk Egg Nog in here.

Zach (after drinking): The Silk Egg Nog ruins it.

Me: Why?

Zach: It tastes like cyanide.

Yesterday morning ten ladies of good upbringing and the highest caliber of friends went to get pedicures for a ladies day before the holidays.  On our way out of the car I was juggling champagne, orange juice and muffins when Dawne said “Let me help you with that so I look like I brought something.”

Lillia (Russian lady giving me a pedicure): You single?  You need to move back to NY.  The men here? No good. 

Me: Well what about… ?

Lillia: NO!  They are not for you.  Very strange.  Go back to NY then you can bring them here.  Listen to me.  I know what’s best for you.

At one point as we were discussing our future plans to go to Wade’s Gun Range, a very prim and proper woman at Gene Juarez whipped around and said “Wade’s?! I LOVE WADE’S!”

We then walked in our flip flops (I mentioned we were classy right?) over to Rock Bottom Brewery.  There we had lunch, cocktails and for the slightly sick, Hot Toddies.

Me: I don’t remember these being this good when I was 12.

Shana’s mom: Sometimes I tell Shana I’m going to ship her father to her and I may or may not put holes in the box.

Dawne to Rach, about Rach & Christmakah: We could all really feel that there was just something missing.

Me: Oh right! Because Mariana wasn’t there!

Momela: Wait. Did you just say you had hot toddies and THEN you went to the gun range?!

Rach: Mimosas, hot toddies... I see what she was saying but their waiver was QUITE DE-tailed... and not ONCE did they mention alcohol!

We then went over to Wade’s Gun Range and Rental because on Sunday’s there is a Ladies special.  Free gun rentals and ½ price lane fees.  We each chose our targets (there were various zombies including zombie clowns, Bin Ladin, and of course your standard outline targets.)  The shooting area was quite cold, but I quickly learned that they do that on purpose because the adrenaline warms you up quite quickly.  We shot a .22 caliber Revolver (“These look like they are from the movies!”), Rifles and a gun that had a laser on it (I don’t know what it was called) and then a 9 mm (that I actually shook after the first time it fired until I could calm down, settle and get back on target) and then a .45 that was uber powerful and after 6 shots I was done.  But then George said “But you have one more shot!” Oh do I George? Then I guess I have to shoot it don’t I?

Becky and I bought our own protective eye and ear gear and then Becky bedazzled, because we like to take it to the next level.  And yes, I do think we shamed all good standing republican women that were there outside of our group.

“I think I need a professional!”  (This was said on multiple occasions by multiple ladies.)

“I can’t believe they just let us HAVE these!”

Rach: Neck shot. Nice.  That’s gonna be a bleeder.

George (from Wade’s): I have never seen a group of ladies with better grips.

Shana’s mom as Rach walked away to switch guns: There is nothing hotter than a woman packin’ heat.

(Later when I told my mother this she said “Well now there’s something you’ll never hear your mother say.”)

Cathy: That’s it.  From now on all of our events need to have two opposite events in them.

Me: I love a good challenge.

Becky: I was thinking next time Sky High (the trampoline gym).

Me: And then CAVING! Wait.  Was that what Cathy meant?

My brother, Sean: You are crazy.  Seriously.  Crazy.

Me: Crazy? Or crazy AWESOME?

Sean: Well, you sure are memorable.

Oh! Last week we also had a “Team Building” meeting where I finally learned who was on my team, and what their names were.  I always end up being tagged as a “Promoter”.  Becky was an influencer whose profile mentioned clearly that she was also a manipulator.  I personally thought it was a strategic misstep for the team to tell the manipulators all of our faults and personality habits—but hey, I’m not running this ship.  At one point, we had to do one of those exercises where people are broken into groups and you have pieces of tubes to use together to get marbles, ping pong balls and golf balls from one side of the room to another.  As soon as I heard that it wasn’t a competition I was all for working together—but my team’s yellow tubes weren’t as big so we got kicked off the main chain.  Later, in the post-mortem, people were analyzing the types of people who wanted to be in the beginning middle and end of chain and what that meant as personality type.  And then one guy raised his hand and said “Well then what does that say about Tiffany who was in the beginning of the chain and then ran around to finish the chain?”  Look!  People know my name now! After the meeting, we were going to go over to the bar for drinks.  I was worried about leaving 45 minutes before anyone else, but Becky assured me that she had told the VP I had to help her.  Oooookeedokee.

We also had the family Christmakah, but I was so sick and sleepy I don’t remember much.  I do remember giving Zach and Nate their annual subscription to NetFlix.  Except when Nate opened his he said, “This proves it.  You really do love Zach more—you only gave me 5 months!” I told him that I gave the extra month to more deserving people… like the homeless who don’t even have TV’s. 

Happy Holidays All! 

Hello Jesus!

I went home to NY for the annual Christmas party.  My flight back got canceled out of Westchester Airport and the only flight they could find was this morning at 5:30am out of Hartford.  Only they didn’t specify which airport and Delta.com and the Delta 800 line could not answer questions due to weather conditions.  This is ever so helpful when it is 3:30 am and you are at a dark, scary abandoned airfield.  My father couldn’t believe I didn’t take a picture—clearly I was distracted.  I tried to find it on google but apparently this was one of those scary places they didn’t bring the camera. 

Julie couldn’t find me a chainsaw with a Hello Kitty on it, but she did find me a Hello Kitty ornament which I promptly put into the nativity near the baby Jesus.  When I asked Kevin (my 7 year old nephew) to check out the Nativity to see if he saw anything different he said, “Hello Kitty?! What the…!?”

Here are some highlights (at least that I can remember) from the party:

(My friend who has been coming to parties at my house since we were 5): I have a feeling that I know everyone else, but no one knows me.

We like to make fun of the fact that my mother has favorites… so towards the end of the party you could hear this conversation:

Momela: I like all of my grandchildren!

Maureen: But you LOVE Bailey, Sean and Kyle.

Frita: Poor Sean.  He spilled his drink and broke my glasses trying to hug me. Ten minutes later, as I was trying to get a picture of my father and sister, Maureen spilled her beer on my dad.  (I totally got some awesome pictures of this whole sequence of events but I don’t have my camera on me. L)

Briana (with a coat on after I hugged her): I’m not leaving.  I’m just cold.

Stacey (about Sean): This is a tradition dad.  He always makes sandwiches before we leave the party.  It’s when he shoves cookies in his pockets that it’s a problem.

Me to Julie at 2:30 am: Don’t you wish one of these year we would pass out before clean up time?

Kenny (because we just got pictures from the last 10 years of parties the past summer): These pictures are going to look great in 10 years!  Now, move over I can’t see enough of the new fridge.  

Kenny: At what point are you going to lose the tank top and show some cleavage. Remember that one year?

Me: Which one?

Kenny: You were showing both of them.

Me: Not my cleavage. Which year!?

Larry: This is like asking Kenny which time he was drunk.

Beth: Can you add your laugh into these emails?

Me: I don’t think anyone wants to hear that.

John: We can always choose to delete it.

While some people seemed to enjoy my new “Cabrookies for the Undecided” they were universally deemed “The New Coke” of desserts.  Or maybe just Larry and Mike said that?  If that’s the case… I’m forging ahead. 

Highlights from the rest of the weekend:

Frita: This morning I was explaining to Kevin why he gets hit sometimes.

Maureen: I feel like I just dealt.

Me: Sometimes feelings are wrong.

Frita: You shouldn’t make fun of your friends.

Maureen: I learned it from my dad.

Momela to her son-in-law: It’s not nice to hide your wife’s nebulizer.

Mo: Where did you get that (cracker jack toy.)

Momela: North Carolina.

Frita: Other people stop in North Carolina for Cigarettes, your mom bee lined for the cracker jacks.

After Pat got through asking for part for his Mustang and Maureen saying he wasn’t getting any more part b/c he didn’t use any of the ones he got last year, and Robin sorrowfully complaining that her husband sold her Mustang to some chick in Virginia so he could get another truck my father said, “Rednecks DO love their Mustangs.”  

I went to pick up Evivova and her boyfriend Joe at the train station and brought them back to Sean’s to finish making Chocolate Lollipops. (To say that my niece is a stickler for the rules is an understatement.  Every time I messed up I was worried she was going to yell at me.)  When we walked in Morgan and Jackie were wrestling on the floor.  I ignored the fighting, introduced my nieces, and stepped over them.  (Later I found out that Sean told them to wrestle so as to rattle the guests.  In retrospect, maybe it worked.  They did look a little freaked out. 

Me (Minutes after meeting Joe): How was Thanksgiving? Did anyone ruin it?

Joe looked startled and Eva said, “No! It was great.” 

Turns out Joe actually thought that he had ruined Thanksgiving and it took Eva a couple of hours to convince him that it was just a coincidence that I mentioned the topic and not that she had complained to me.  Whoops.

 

After the lollipop making I went with Sean and the girls to get some Portuguese cuisine.  We had to stop to get a light and change for the meter and on our way back to the car Morgan (7) picked up a push pin off the ground and said to me, “If a cop tries to give us a ticket I’m going to stab him with this.”   

Apparently, a couple months ago when Maureen had to get their septic pumped, the three boys thought that the whole process was AWESOME and kept asking the guys working if they had to go to school for this or if they could just start working right away.  The Septic guy just said, “Trust me.  Stay in school.”

I told Becky at lunch last week that I had to go to get new jeans b/c the ones I was wearing kept falling down and my other pair had pee on it.  Of course she posted the quote on FB and I ended up trying to heal some of reputation by piping in that “It wasn’t my Urine!” which maybe was not making me look any better. 

I was so tired last Monday (though now that I have been up since 2 am EST, I think I might need to re-define the term “Tired”) that I was falling asleep on the couch. I looked over at Nate and said, “What time is it?” and Nate immediately answered, “It is still 20 minutes before it is acceptable for you to go to sleep.”

I also met “Dumb Charlie” when I went over to Laina’s last Tuesday. He was caught by her mother when she was 3 months old (on a forced fishing trip as her father finished their house), collected dust for 30 years, and then she asked if she could put it on her wall.  Of course!  Who wouldn’t want dumb Charlie!

My cousin Billy is what one might call a “Bad Ass.”  He has been training to be able drop out of planes by himself, he drives boats fast and motorcycles faster, and he gets dropped off by helicopters on the top of ridiculous mountains to see if he can make his way down the rough natural slopes on his own.  So naturally he ended up breaking his leg in three places, running into our other cousin, while on the bunny slopes.  He told me the full story in between sucking oxygen up in Breckenridge CO after he sent me this lovely photo:

And then finally, b/c I am so sleepy, I found this letter from Kevin to Patrick adorable:

Have a good week!  

Working it in the Work Place

My friend Becky sent my other friend and former boss, Justin an email recommending another friend re: a game company we all used to work for and where Justin continues to work.  The email highly recommended the friend for a playtesting position and also included a small catch-up paragraph about working with me again and the fun that we have on a daily basis.    Instead of receiving a kind acknowledgment, Becky received the following, slightly altered version of reality, thread (as in Justin changed the nice email entirely and sent it back like this--Better Banana? :P):

---

From: justin
Subject: Re: Recommendation
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2010 13:59:40 -0500
To: becky

WTF?  

What are you saying?

On Dec 9, 2010, at 1:32 AM, Becky wrote:

Hey Justin,

So, I understand this might be a bit of a low level kind of thing to send to you.  Basically, a good friend of mine asked me if I know anyone that would be willing to marry his daughter, Tiffany.  She's a really nice girl and will keep you entertained with her charm, wit and good looks.  I would like to put in a good word for her.  The details--Tiffany is the person who originally introduced me to the concept of sarcasm.  Had she not taught me the finer nuances of sarcasm and toying with the emotions of others, I might have led a rather ordinarily life. On top of that, she is hands down one of the most honest and trustworthy people I've ever met in my entire life.  I've always been suprised that she never got involved three or four men at once - as she loves to party, get a little tipsy and roll the dice "of love".  She's a great evangelist for open relationships and likes to dress up in comic book character costumes for her man.  I really couldn't think of a more perfect person to have romp in the sac.  I wasn't sure if you were even involved with anyone, but if you didn't mind passing her name on (Tiffany O'Brien 914-XXX-XXXX) to ANY male colleague looking for a kinky wife or at minimum a good time, I'd be grateful.  She really needs some attention!

On a personal note, the personal escort business is booming!  I don't think there's a better place to work for during a recession.  ;)  And I'm LOVE working clients for Tiffany again.  I guess "working" isn't quite the right term since our work never intersects (I schedule her visits and she does the "hard" work), but we entertain one another nicely during the day.  I seriously missed her and all her earning power.  You wouldn't be interested in moving back to Washington, and working as one of my "escorts"  Hope you're doing well--and keeping warm, from what my parents in PA say about the weather over there.  Tiff and I talk about your <censored> often, but only in the most adoring way!

Becky

---

In the theme of co-workers finding us husbands…. My friend Laina works in the job placement field and while giving a presentation she casually mentioned that she has a crush on one of the company founders.  A few hours later, a new girl said, “Laina would love this guy!” Our Regional VP, Brian said, “Let’s pitch Laina out to all our clients and get her a boyfriend!” That fueled another co-worker to write the following “Laina Love Dossier”.  (Feel free to submit boyfriend candidates to tiffany@sweetandsarcastic.com and I’ll forward them on to Laina.)

Mr. V - Specifications

The ideal candidate for the future Mr. V loves music, even better if he plays music.  He looks like he showered, but yesterday.  Personality traits that turn the soon-to-be Mrs.  V on like a light switch?  An irrational interest in T-Shirts.  The capacity for spontaneous travel.  Witty repartee carried on over text, while in the same room.   He probably likes harmonicas, sitars and the kazoo.   He likes gay men (not that way, sheesh).  Mr. V does not groan when a black and white movie comes on.  He sings karaoke while drinking cheap beer, but he’ll cruise the wine section and spend some dough on something nice for a date night.  He is involved in some sort of cult following of something.  He is curious and smart, but stupid crazy over the soon-to-be Mrs.  V.  His favorite 7 words are “Mrs. V I love you a lot” (and he knows this is 7 words, not 6). 

More importantly, there are stringent appearance preferences for the future Mr. V:

•         Tall and lean
•          Some sort of scruff
•          Sparkle in the eye
•          A “you’re probably wondering if I am in a band” type look

The Highest of Lariouses

Rollie went out with all of the guys at Microsoft who did the “no shave November” thing for lunch on Tuesday.  Apparently there were some “real gangsters” but he matched up with one other guy pretty evenly and there was an Asian fellow who had zero hair except for his chin and stache. So on the first day of December they all decided to have “Stache Day.”  Rollie tried to keep some chops and poof on the chin but his girlfriend told him that he looked like a raper.  Or more specifically “You look like you’re going to go out and touch children.”  Rollie concluded that “It’s a gift from the Lord to have thick facial hair and all of these a-holes just waste it.  If only I had more white in me.”

Last week when we were in the China section of JC Penny’s I saw a big bouncy ball sitting in a display dish and commented on the dangers of such an item in this particular environment.  Naturally, Luke picked it up and started bouncing saying “Hey.  This is how I roll.”

Tuesday night Lucas brought my cup holder from my car into the house but promised to return it in the morning.  Then he asked to make cookies—but half way through he decided he was tired and was going to bed.  At my outrage, he said, “Tufts. I’m sleep deprived.  That’s not healthy.” and went upstairs.  The next morning my Uncle says to me “Is this your cup holder on the counter?” I explained the above and I was told that Lucas had no recollection of ever even seeing the cup holder this morning.  In the words of Frank McCallister, “Look what you did, you little jerk!” When I asked him later about this incident he told me, “Every day is a like new life to me.  I wake as a disoriented fetus that knows nothing and struggles with the smallest motor skills and eventually roll into bed an old man, exhausted at an early hour and slow moving and cranky. 

Rollie: You and Becky are like BFF’s now huh?

T O’B: She is the Wade to my Rollie. 

I OD’d on facebook last week.  I actually felt physically ill and began deleting posts that I had made declaring them disappointing and dull.  I announced at breakfast that I needed a day off… and then 2 hours later, after I posted a video, my aunt called me out on my lack of follow through.  Damn you, Neville!  (My friend Janette is dating someone who works at FB, and I like to interchange the names Neville and Facebook at will.)

Hanukkah started last week and my mother (the very Catholic Aunt) sent the fam their first present, a Dreidel stacking launcher game which they proceeded to play with dangerously close to the crystal menorah.  After they all said the prayer associated with lighting the candles, Dawne (the Christian) said, “Okay that was the one for the wine, what is the one for the candles?” which successfully made them doubt themselves even though she doesn’t really know which prayer is which.  I got my first Hanukkah present from Aunt Pat.  She gave me some Starbucks VIA which is really cool because I’ve wanted to try it but didn’t want to actually buy it.  Luke said, “‘I want to buy this.’  ‘You know that isn’t for buying!’” Aunt Pat got us all really cool little gifts actually.  Lucas opened a small present that consisted of two individual tea bags to which he said “Oh.  Wow.  Thanks.”   Then after every one finished opening presents, Aunt Pat handed him this awesome pan for crepe making.  When his excitement died down he turned to me and said, “I was worried when I just got two tea bags.”

Maureen, as you may or may not know, is a high school math teacher.  She was telling me the other day about a “Jerk Face” student that goes to her school.  He isn’t necessarily a bad student or a bad person, but his behavior has consistently awarded him the title of jerk face.  In order to fully understand this story you need to know that the way the classrooms are constructed there is a ½ inch space between the wall separating the classrooms and the outer wall.  So if you plastered your face to the wall you could peek into the other classroom.  The Jerk Face was standing in the adjacent classroom complaining and loudly voicing his Jerk Face opinions so that Maureen’s class could hear him but maybe his own teacher couldn’t hear him as well.  Maureen stopped her class, turned to one of her students and said, “Do you have some water?  Cool.  I have a straw.” and handed it to her student who proceeded to blow water through the space in the wall all over the Jerk Face. 

The two phrases that I am stealing from Luke this week are:

That is Highlarious. The highest of lariouses. 

and

That’s ridonkulous.  The kind of ridiculous a Donkey would have. 

My brother and my parents went down to Florida to visit my dad’s side of the family last week.  My brother was staying with my cousin Colleen.   Knowing that he was leaving right from work she put together some necessities like toothpaste, soap and shampoo.  Sean then told the rest of the family that Colleen was making him do things around the house to earn his toiletries.  They all laughed, but as soon as he left the room, Colleen made sure everyone know that “That is not true.  I did not make him do that.”  

I also got a message on facebook this same evening from one of my lil cousins saying “Your dad just did a hermaphrodite tomato. Take it from there.”  So naturally, my response was, “What does that mean?”  I called my father, and in true form when I call me father to talk to him, he handed off the phone to someone else.  My cousin Jennifer told me that my dad had been cutting into a tomato and it had somehow grown another tomato inside of itself (which is just weird) and could I please write about the incident this week… and you know, make it funny.  I kinda feel like I had to have been there.  

I was glad that I missed my brother demonstrating how incredibly spoiled I am with a story about how my parents walked me down to the bus stop when I was little.  Really Sean?  I am, without a doubt, incredibly spoiled, and your go-to example is being walked down the street to the bus stop holding my mother’s hand when I was 7?  I guess I should just be thankful you didn’t mention the other many examples and shush my face (about this topic at least.)  I also heard he said something about LeBron James not realizing that Colleen had a house-full of LeBron James paraphernalia.  I hate when that happens—but it does always seem to happen, huh?

I got a phone call from my nephew Patrick asking “What’s your shoe size? I hear you want a pink chain saw.” When he got off the phone, Maureen asked, “What did she say her shoe size was?” Patrick, “Oh I don’t know.” Later when I called Maureen, Kevin answered the phone yelling, “What’s your favorite color!?” 

I tried to have a “Short Attention Span Film Festival” on Saturday by sending out invitations on Friday afternoon.  Two hours, and 15 rejections later, I bailed on the whole idea.  Rach and Laina were still up for hanging out so decided to make some eggplant parm.  Luke and I ran to Michaels, Radio Shack and Tops for ingredients.  When I got back from the store, I realized I had bought a ton of stuff we totally didn’t need and forgot the breadcrumbs.  20 minutes later, in an “Ernie and Bert Book” manner, the missing breadcrumbs turned into a baking-palooza afternoon.  Before I knew it, my quiet evening of witch-craft and Christmas movies turned into a meal for 15 surrounded by 7 dogs.  (I’m not going to focus on the fact that these same people had rejected me less than 24 hours earlier, but that’s cool.  I understand.  Everybody loves Shana.)

You know that moment when everyone one has been downing wine and all of a sudden everyone becomes really sleepy?  I actually, visibly saw this happen on Saturday night.  Instead of letting everyone leave, because that just was not an option, I made everyone move into the living room to play Guesstures.  Guesstures is slightly more difficult to translate hilarity than Pictionary—at least without a video reenactment which won’t be happening--but I’ll do my best.  My team thought it would be really helpful to tell the other team what they *should* have done after every turn.  For example for “Doormat” why didn’t you just point to Jamie?  Nate, the next morning said, “Please tell me you were playing charades last night because I kept hearing people yell Masturbation! Rape! ” I told him, why yes we were, and I think you were listening to the acting out of “Fertilizer.”  Have you ever watched someone laugh so hard that they think that they are going to pee themselves—so much so that they look a little worried?  I saw that on Saturday after Heather pointed to her forehead, then put a loser symbol on her forehead than started patting her open mouth… like an Indian.  She didn’t waste any time breaking away from the PC “Indian” to Native Americans as represented by a 4 year old.  Jen also got Drag Queen and Cow Pies, but I am at a loss on how to describe her award winning silent acting skills. 

I then got a phone call from my mother at 1 am (or 4 am her time) because she and Frita had dropped off Sean at the airport Saturday morning and then proceeded to drive all the way back to NY in one day.  Instead of going right to sleep, I think she was still awake from caffeine and a little loopy from lack of sleep.  It was an awesome conversation and made cleaning up from the impromptu party a lot nicer. 

Sunday morning came earlier than I would have liked, but I headed off to brunch with Jen, Shana and Dr. Rach followed by the Urban Craft Uprising.  Sadly, my own attention span for shopping is not long and I quickly became really bored and left my friends to their bizarre bazaar.  Later I went to Ben Franklin, dropped off baked goods, looked at pretty Christmas lights, watched love actually and made one and ½ cards and called the-oh-so unproductive evening with Dr. Rach a roaring success.  I wonder which one of my friends and family will get the finished Christmas card and who will get the ½ of a Christmas card—I know.  The suspense of it all!

When my nieces came home for a day at work with Sean, Stacey told them to go upstairs and change out of their nice clothes to which Morgan said, “Mom, you are exhausting!”  Stacey looked right at Sean and said, “What did you do?” 

Top Ten Reasons NOT To Grammar Slam

10.  You are not my dad. 

9.  You make mistakes too.  These mistakes may or may not be grammatical, but they will happen, and I can only hope someone makes you feel small for no good reason so you can see how it feels. 

8.  Saying that you cannot associate with someone who does not proof-read proves that your priorities of what is important in a friend does not match up with mine or that of a sane person. 

7.  Unless you are correcting my paper, resume, letter of significant importance, or are my editor in some way, it is not your job.

6.   You have just wasted the time I saved when I decided to hit send without proof-reading.  

5.   My mistake was not made out of ignorance; therefore, pointing out said error has not taught me anything I didn’t know already. 

4.   While you may feel superior now, I think you are an ass. 

3.  You are not smarter than anyone; you just have more time on your hands.

2.   You make people wish they never wrote to you in the first place.  Congratulations, now you have even more time on your hands.

1.  You knew what I meant.