Say it with a Sharpie

We are going to call this the 12-27-10 episode… and then I’ll update you on what happened after that. I’ll make it quick (mostly b/c it was too long ago for me to remember.)  

Kevin came into my parents house and was like Nana, there are a lot of words I can't say anymore b/c they have bad words in them. Like Hello has H-E-L-L and Glass has A-S-S.  I also know how to spell S-T-U-P-I-D

Becky was telling me that her brother came to visit last Christmas and ran upstairs to wrap their presents b/c he didn't want TSA to unwrap them on  his flight.  He borrowed a big Sharpie to indicate whose present was whose.  When Becky looked at the results under the tree she saw one present with a big "JERK" on it and the other said "NOT JERK."  She tried to give the one labeled "JERK" to her husband, but he wasn't going for it

Me: Security better not open my presents on my way to NY.  I am going to write little signs half way down each stocking saying “Really TSA? Lay off my silly putty. Or were you not sure if that was book or not?  A 4 year old could have picked that up and told you that.  Amateur!”

Me: I don’t ever use gift tags, I use a Sharpie.  And I don’t wrap well.

Eva: so they get a gift that has a half-assed wrap job.. has been poked through in security.. and says merry christmas with a sharpie?

Me: Happy Holidays! well I mean 90% of them were professionally wrapped and have tags typed out. It’s the other ten percent

Eva: Your poor family. I would not want to be among that 10 percent

Me: Oh -- but you will be. only I couldn't find a sharpie so I wrote EVIVOVA with a bic yw

Eva:  bic? like a ball point?

When I got home on Christmas there was a beautifully wrapped package from Eva that included gift tags that she had written on with Sharpie “Now you don’t have an excuse for next year.”  Apparently, I am supposed to remember where these tags are in 12 months.  Ya, that’s likely. 

We went to see Tangled and before the movie began, Luke turns to me and says “I don’t read your thing b/c I’m too cool but you should totally add this.”  But, now that I think about it, the story isn’t all that funny.  See we were watching the commercial for the Smurf movie where they show all of these landmarks and we were joking around until we had established that the Smurf movie might just be the apocalypse and Luke said enthusiastically “It’s the end of the world as we know it!” and I said, “Let’s watch! I’ll bring the popcorn!”  At this point I can hear my dad saying, “I guess you had to be there, Tiffany.” 

Luke: I do feel like my mother gives more attention to the dog.  I mean yesterday at the grocery store she made me take off my coat and give it to the dog so she would be more comfortable.

Dawne: There were those holes in the cart! And my coat was a part of a whole outfit…

Becky put a present on my desk on Thursday and I turned to her and said, “You didn’t get me a present did you? You know I didn’t get you a present!” She said she could just take it back… and as she picked up the bag I said, “I didn’t know it was from Common Folk! Now I totally want it!” It was this really cool cupcake holder (which I later realized could also be used as a holder for all sorts of things like single serving ramekins and sadly that realization filled me with great joy.)  Later, in the car, Becky handed me what she called an “emotional” gift enclosed in some beautiful Christmas wrapping with pink snowflakes...which I courteously ripped apart and left bits all over Becky's car.  The large gift was an actual tape deck “boom box.”  The smaller "emotional" part of the gift was lost for a full 10 minutes even though I never left the passenger seat making the emotion one of hilarity as Becky had to stop the car b/c she couldn’t stop laughing.  When I finally found the small gift, it was a Mariah Carey Single of “Hero,” the way the song was meant to be listened to.  I can’t wait to get batteries for the tape deck and serenade Becky in the office. 

We watched Holiday Inn on Wednesday.  Dawne’s friends were in from Chicago and Valerie continuously took our hilarious comments literally—completely ruining the jokes.  This became incredibly uncomfortable when at the point in the movie where Bing Crosby paints the female lead in shoe polish for a “Black Face” number and the leading lady says something like “That shows me.  I was all ready to look pretty and now this.” And Nate, very sarcastically said, “Right.  Because everyone is ugly when they are black.”  Valerie was not pleased. 

Dawne wanted to take the whole family to the Gun Range for Christmas, so ten of us headed over there on Wednesday. I walked in there and was like I need a .22 Revolver, a .22 Pistol. a .22 Rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition please. The guy was looking at me strangely... and I asked if I said it wrong and he was all no, you said it right...I'm just distracted by all the pink and glitter.

It takes us around 6 hours to unwrap all of the presents at my parent’s house.  At one point my sister in law was told that there was wine if she was interested and she said. “Oh I’ll be hitting that for sure.”  Jackie, my 9 year old niece opened the (Rib) Smoker that I got her for Christmas, and I literally don’t think I have ever seen anyone happier about opening a present.  I thought she might strain something she was smiling and hugging it so much.  Bailey was seething in jealousy as she watched her Aunt open a waffle maker (don’t worry, she got her own the next day.)  My sister got my brother a seltzer maker for his birthday and Bailey was told she could only make it once a day.  At one point she decided to add the lemon lime flavoring and was intensely disappointed to find that made it into Sprite so she walked away saying “Aww Man! I hate Sprite and now I have to wait until tomorrow to make it again.”  My mother got an iPad and no one could get a good read on whether or not she was excited about it.  I set it up and told her how to use things and that I had put some games on it, like Whack-a-Mole to which she said, “Okay.” As if it was a silly waste of time.  20 minutes later I heard her voraciously tapping the screen followed by a stream of jib-jab videos.  Not SO silly, huh Momela? J