Why 30 is the new 70

While I’m not yet 30, I imagine I will still feel the same way when I turn 30—and 30 is the new 70 sounds better.   As usual, one little bee has gotten stuck in my bonnet—and now I’ll use this opportunity to get on my soap box about that topic while hastily tacking on 9 more, less thought out, but no less true, opinions that loosely coagulate to my rapid slide into old age.  Feel free, in the style of Dana Carvey, to add “And that’s the way it was. And we LIKED it!  We LOVED it!” to every statement. 

1. In my day, we were taught by our teachers and MLA that periods were followed by two spaces.  The article that has been circulating about two spaces being antiquated because we no longer use type-writers is silly.  Are you implying that you can’t read this paragraph?  Or that laziness and technology is one in the same?  At what point do we just start using “U” as “you” because it makes texting easier and typing whole words out is so totally old-fashioned?  Last time I checked my blackberry requires me to type two spaces at the end of a sentence to even get a period to be inserted—or is my non-touch screen phone also archaic?
2. My father, who has perfect penmanship, wrote an assignment on the board of his 8^th grade class and not a single student could read it because it was in script.  Letter writing was on the obsolete list this year as well.  I can’t support a world in which writing is phased out of existence—and not just because I like to doodle in notebooks during meetings.
3. In my day, Hanna Barbara and the Jetson’s made me promises that they couldn't keep.  The closest I am to having a Martha is a Roomba, and frankly that isn’t cutting down my morning schedule at ALL.  
4. Wearing a suit or the equivalent of a suit is the proper wardrobe to wear to an interview.  I don’t care what coast you are from or that you are an “artist” or whatever silly argument you have.  Show some respect as a professional and look your very best.  Wearing jeans and sneakers does not make you cool, or more relatable to your future employer, it makes you look like a slob.  That’s right.  I said slob, and I don’t even have any grand-children. 
5. In addition, when an event is black tie, it means dress “Fancy.”  Wearing ripped jeans with a blazer or sequined over-alls does not make you “unique.”  It makes you look like you are trying too hard to make a statement and now we all think you didn't look at the invitation and/or you can’t afford a dress or tux. 
6. Today’s kids are getting up to 250 dollar rewards at report card time for simply not doing worse than last semester! When I was in school, my parents had a very strict reward system.  If you improved your grade, you got a dollar, if you went down in any subject you lost a dollar and you got a dollar for every A.  (This is why everyone made sure to never to get perfect scores the first semester so you had room for improvement).  If you played your cards right, you could be looking at a steady income of 14 dollars 4 times a year! 
7. In my day, you never referred to your parents (or anyone else who demanded respect) as “He” or “She.”  You use their proper names—none of this “BUT SHE TOLD ME I COULD!” business. And if we forgot this rule, we were promptly reminded by one parent and ignored by the other until we addressed the individual by their God given name—you know “Mom” and “Dad.” 
8. My friend Nick constantly complains about technology.  He should really be writing this particular piece, but mostly he thinks that books should be made of paper, iTunes is basically selling the idea of music rather than actual music—and I haven’t asked him about Netflix, but I’m pretty sure he has a collection of VHS tapes right next to his CD’s and hard-cover books.  I thought he was going to cry when he told me that his librarian neighbor had bought a kindle.  Now I love to argue on the side of technology while juggling my own kindle, iPods and Netflix and HULU playing devices, I can’t stop myself from wanting to hold my purchases in my hand.  And, if you would like to borrow a CD for your next road trip or a book for your beach vacation you can give me a call.
9. Speaking of calling, I understand the beauty of texting. I have fallen under its spell for communication.  But a little bit of me will always love getting a phone call… and secretly knows that you don’t really know how funny my joke is until you've heard how hard I’m laughing at it. 
10. I still think Pluto is a planet, triceratops is my favorite dinosaur, and I refuse to learn what the new Zodiac sign is.