Playing with Myself

I brought into work for lunch a Hunt’s Snack Pack of Pudding.

Me: I don’t know about this.

Becky: Do you only eat Jell-O pudding b/c of your undying love of Bill Cosby.

Me: Possibly.  I do know for sure I’m not eating another bite of this pudding.

I have definitely decided that Lucas’ new nickname shall be “Theopale.” Feel free to use it in a sentence today.  

Theopale: The more I think about it.  I really am a lot like Theo.  I wonder if he is really on a team or if he just carries that…. What’s it called again?

Me: A Basketball?

Theopale: Yes. 

Theopale: I have to do 5 minutes of sit-up so I don’t ruin my 8 day streak.

Me: I haven’t done sit-ups in 8 days and I don’t want to ruin that streak

Similarly…

Dawne (coming down to the music room): Lucas! We only have 5 glasses upstairs in the Kitchen!

Theopale: Well, there are only 5 glasses down here!

Theopale: Today I was doing Screen Printing in class and it had gone really well and I was leaving school and I was in a really good mood.  The weather was nice.  The sun was shining. I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Had a little bounce in my step.  I get to the bus stop and someone turns to me and says “You have a little something on your face.”  Turns out I had blue ink all down my cheek and neck.  Perfect.

After baking donuts last Saturday, I then wanted to try making Roy’s mom’s fried donuts.  We used pine tree and teddy bear cutters to make the holes so they looked as good as they tasted.  However, I burned my hand making the delicious donuts.  I think it was God telling me that I shouldn’t be eating donuts.  Theopale and I put together a business plan that involved only selling the inside shaped donuts and only haveing store locations that were hard to find and calling the whole chain “Off the Beaten Path.”  And no, I don’t see anything wrong with this business plan. 

Speaking of God, (I wanted to say speak of the devil but obviously I meant quite the opposite.)  I came up to Becky’s desk early last week and asked what she was doing.  She told me that she was reading up on Lent.

Me: Why?

Becky: I want to convince my Baptist Bible Study group to participate in lent this year.

Me: Wait, your bible study group is Baptist?

Becky: Yup.

Me: And you’re… Roman Catholic?

Becky: Yup.

Me: And now you want them to start observing lent?

Becky: Yup. 

Me: Okay then.

I was not made to host a parasite. – My pregnant boss.

Me: I think your birthday is on Friday the 13^th this year.
Mo: Let me see… hmm well according to the school calendar I have in front of me there is no Friday the 13^th, there is May 12^th, May 12^th and then May 14^th. 

Yup, that school’s calendar is really hitting it out of the park. I’d like to assume its Sleepy Hollow’s Calendar, but I think we all know that reeks of the Lakeland School District.

Mo: We must be raising our kid’s right.  All three of them ran into the house yelling “We got our report cards!!”

Pat: When I was in school I would get off the bus telling my friends “See you in a few weeks, I got my report card.”

Maureen: I have these two study hall periods and I decided on the first day to tell everyone to take their math books out.  As they were still groaning, I told them hey, you have a Math teacher here to help, use this opportunity to get some help.  So now, I am doing math ALL DAY LONG without a single break.

Me: But you did it to yourself.

Maureen (in the most pathetically whiney voice.): I kno-o-o-w I did!

Maureen was telling her students about a particularly mean math teacher that she and my brother Sean had at the same time in H.S.:

Teacher to Sean (in a condescending baby voice): Do you need your little sister to help?

Mo: I know it! I know it! Pick me! Pick me!

Mo: I went to Albany, My sister and brother went to Penn State.

Students: Really!?

Mo: Why would I lie about that?

Maureen often says “True Story” after her stories and her Students have been using it, in a mocking way as if she doesn’t realize she says it.  But she knows what she’s saying.  I have also started to use the phrase, and when BDug stopped me and said “Uh, that’s actually a fact, not a story” I decided to that I am replacing “Fact” with “True Story.”  Let the hilarity ensue!

Grammy Commentary:

Shana: What is in Bob Dylan’s hand?

Rach: I don’t even think he knows.

Shana: Oh Ricky Martin. I know you're gay now but silver jeggings at the Grammy's? Unacceptable.

Shana: McDonalds loves deaf Spaniards! And they apparently enjoy a Mac Attack.

Shana: Barbara!! Darling, all you're missing is a mint julep and Lady Gaga's hat.

Shana: (Barbara and Kris) aren’t going to perform again are they?

Me: Oh no, they are just using each other to get up the stairs.

Rach: Puff Daddy. Are those gold teeth or are you experiencing severe gingivitis? 

Shana: Thanks for the seizure Arcade Fire

Jordan: It’s been an hour and how many awards have we seen? 

Me: That would be one. 

Me: Why do you insist on using a teapot when we have insta-hot?

Theopale: It’s the seeping.  The insta-hot doesn’t allow a good seep.  I need more seeping. 

Jordan: You should put all of that food on a tray.

Me: We have trays?
 Jordan: A bunch of them.

Me: By a bunch you mean 40, right? B/c we always go from having none, to 40, use them once for a party and then never use them again.

Jordan: Exactly, only now we’ll use one of the 40. 

Theopale: I just quoted the one Monday email that I read.

Me: And he quoted himself.

Theopale: Well of course.  I only read my own press.

Me: Is there ever really such a thing as TOO much of a Jokester?

Theopale: Ah. Ya.  You.

Me: Hey, Mr. Environmentalist.  Ever think it might be better to use a towel instead of 4 paper towels?

Theopale: Get with the times, Tiffany.

Me: The TIMES?

Theopale: The times begin with an H. For Hypocritical.

Friday night, Jordan tells me he wants to have a game night the following night and that I need to invite my friends’ b/c he doesn’t have any.  I send off a quick invite and receive 12 rejections in short order, most of which were “Reply All.”  Jen suggested I name my Monday email “Playing with myself” seeing as no one else wanted to.  I mentioned that I had already titled it “Rejected and Dejected.”

Jordan: We need to do something really fun tonight.

Me: Okay, sure.  Why?

Jordan: So everyone can see what they were missing by not hanging out with us.

Me: Jordan, I received 12 rejections—which means 12 people already had plans tonight and none of them invited us to any of those plans.

Jordan: That’s harsh. 

Me: I know.  So I don’t think it matters what we do.  Is there anything that you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t?

Jordan: Tiffany.  Does that sound like me?

Me: Good point.  Let’s watch Six Feet Under.

(Later, after watching the first 2 episodes of SFU we had to watch 2 episodes of the Cosby Show to cheer us back up.)

So I went out and bought 100 pairs of socks so I could replace all of the singletons in my sock drawer.  When I came home I announced that I was going to tackle the sock drawer and went upstairs.  4 hours later.

Me: I have a confession to make.  When I said I was going to tackle me sock drawer, I really just dumped all of the socks out of the drawer onto the floor and put the new socks in.  I couldn’t bring myself with hunting through to make pairs.

Jordan:  Welcome.  Welcome to our world.  I have a great idea.  Let’s gather them together and then give them to homeless people on the corner around town.

Me: But they won’t be matching!

Jordan: You know, I don’t think they’ll care. 

Alright… Congratulations to Debina H. on getting engaged on Saturday and Happy Valentine’s Day  Folks!

P.S. as I was bout to hit send, Becky came over to my desk so we could go get coffee and I accidentally deleted this whole post.  She started cracking up... as if losing all of my work was funny and as if I wouldn't have CRIED if I really did delete it.  Proving that comedy really is tragedy that happens to other people.