Fat for Free

Becky was putting together eggs full of candy to put in with her goodie bags for the homeless and she thought it might be nice to put in a passage from the bible.  When she asked which passage she should put in, her husband suggested a short one: “Jesus Weeps.”

I went home to NY for Easter.  I got to the airport a little early so I stopped in to get a beer and sat playing Pokémon in the airport bar.  The flight was turbulent so I didn’t get any sleep.  By the time I actually got home, even with a nap, I felt like I was hung over.  But you don’t have time to recover when you are only in town for two days. 

My mom had bought some toothbrushes and toothpaste for Becky to hand out and they were in the living room. 

Kyle: Can I have one?

Mom: It’s for people that don't have any.

Mo: Not for people for who don't use them!

  

I took a walk with Mo and the boys to give out flyers for the beach association.

Mo: Do you know the house with the chicken?

Kevin: Chicken? Yououtchyamind!?

Mo: We now have fat free milk in the house.  Kevin just learned that fat free meant no fat.  Up until now he wouldn’t let us buy it.

Kevin: Who would want fat for free? That’s gross.

Kevin (age 7): I told Cassandra that I can’t date her b/c I’m I'm already having sex with Sophie.

Mo: You’re WHAT?

Kevin: I’m having sex with Sophie.

Mo: What do you think that means?

Kevin: You know, kissing.  That’s what Patrick told me.

Patrick: That’s what Tommy told me.

Mo: Sex means that you want to make babies.

Kevin: Gross!

Mo to me: Great.  I have one kid preaching about Jesus and one having sex with Sophie.

Debina, Mark and Briana came over to Mo’s to decorate eggs along with a new neighbor.  I take decorating eggs very seriously.  When we were younger, my parents used to have us decorate 10 dozen eggs.  We individualized each egg, making an egg (with their name) for each and every person in the neighborhood and then we delivered the eggs on Easter morning.  Naturally, our history of egg making has raised the bar on how to color an egg.  So when Debina brought her fiancé over to meet us, he might have been slightly over-whelmed.  Though, Deb was just as harsh a critic as we were when he tried to make a cow out of his egg. 

Neighbor (recently moved to Jefferson Valley from the Bronx): So where are you moving to?

Deb: Wappinger’s Falls.

Neighbor: Where is that?

Deb: North of here.

Neighbor: MORE NORTH THAN HERE!?!

(In a fit of giggles, I looked at Briana “I can’t wait for you to tell her where you live.”)

Mo checking on the kids outside: Oh they found a rope and they are using it to—NOT AROUND THE NECK!!  (Mo to Deb) Any time you want me to watch your kids just let me know. 

3 year old: I found an ant.

Neighbor: Oh honey.  It’s probably just looking for its Mama ant.

Mo: We kill them.   My kids have listened to Pat and I so much that now it doesn’t matter if it’s a bird or a squirrel or whatever the comes on to the deck they kids will open the door yelling “GET OFF OUR DECK!!”

Frita (after getting off the phone): I think J has a job.

Maureen: Why do you think that?

Frita: She said I don’t have that much time with work and all.

Mom: Then why didn’t you ask about it?

Maureen: You could have said “That’s interesting.  Where are you working?”

Frita: But I didn’t find it interesting and I wasn't interested.

Pat (my brother in law): I am liking you more and more every year.

Momela: Do you see what’s happening?  We are very incompatible in the mornings.  Your dad is like the energizer bunny—he just can’t stop and I just want to relax and have some coffee.  Then, by 9 when I have actually started moving and I’m ready to go—he’s ready for a nap.

Jackie: Aunt Carla is going to marry my teacher.  I’ve got it all figured out.  They are going to meet at Kevin’s birthday party, fall in love, and get married.  Can I be a bridesmaid?

Me: You know Jackie; you might want to think about this and wait to introduce them until after you’re out of school.

Jackie: Why?  

Me: Maureen dated one of my teachers, and then when she wasn’t interested anymore he would ask me in class “What’s going on with your sister.  Is she going to call me?”

Mo: Oh right.  He was one of the 5 Pat’s I dated before marrying Pat.

Bailey: Aunt Tiffany, Charlotte has already decided that you are going to marry her Uncle.  She’s even named your kids. 

(His name is Mark Underwood, he lived in CA, and I still need to check with Charlotte on what my kids names will be.)

Bailey: Aunt Carla, on the super off chance that you do get married….

(I didn’t hear the rest of this statement b/c I was laughing too hard.)

The kids were playing hide and go seek on Sunday and Morgan is very good at hiding.  As they walked around in a group, she was behind a tree and would just inch around as they walked.  Eventually, getting frustrated, we heard the kids start yelling “Morgan! The ice cream truck is out here!! Don’t you want Ice Cream?”  But she didn’t fall for it. J

Stacey’s Dad Carl: I want to play my mp3’s in the car but I only have CD player.

Me: Well, you can do it, but it isn’t as good as if you have a tape deck.

Carl: I don’t want the sound quality to go down.  I mean the sound quality of the CD player is just okay as it is I only want to invest in something that will make the sound quality go up.  My wife insists on cassettes, and that sound quality is no good.  I want better sound quality.  Do you use youtube?

Me: YouTube? Yes.

Carl: Ever listen to music on YouTube.

Me: Sure, I’ve watched some music videos.

Carl: You can convert anything you listen to on YouTube into a music file.

Me: So you don’t REALLY care about sound quality then.

Momela: If you hadn’t been a cop you could have made a great thief, Carl. 

Luke looking up Juju-bee T-Shirts: Oh man!  You can get a Fruit Strips T-Shirt!  Remember Fruit Strips!?  In the beginning taste promised flavor of amazing proportions but then so quickly the flavor would fade and you would be left with an over-whelming amount of disappointment?  They are a lot like life in that way. 

#1 #2 Ticonderoga

 Lucas: I need a #1 #2.

Me: Did you just make that up?

Lucas: No, everyone knows that  the #1 #2 is Ticonderoga!

Lucas: That’s a great smile. (To me, while picking up a magazine with Justin Bieber on the cover at the grocery store.)

Aunt Shirley:  Was Tiffany in NY last weekend?

Momela: No, why?

Aunt Shirley: I saw a picture of a blonde outside of Radio City  after the Charlie Sheen performance and she had a really sarcastic quote in the paper and I just assumed it was Tiffany. 

Laina: I had an epiphany, Tiffany (Pause.)  I’m going to start saying “Epiphany, Tiffany” a lot more.

Jordan:  Are we celebrating Passover?

Dawne: Does that require cooking?

Jordan: Yes.

Dawne: Then no. 

(Later)

Dawne: We have to decided, for Passover, to order Pizza and watch the Ten Commandments.

Jordan:  I guess Pizza is like unleavened bread.

After 6 months at work, I finally broke down and nabbed a trash can.

Me: Again, I love having a trash.

Becky: I wanted to find a someecard that was all "Congrats on your promotion, I heard you got a trash can."

Me: It's more like "Congrats on not getting fired, but at least you got a trash can for when you do."

Lucas: I found this game boy!

Me: In the gameboy drawer?

(When the gameboy wasn’t working)

Lucas: One of these was hit by a bomb in the gulf war and it survived.  How does mine not work?  How am I going to make my chip tunes?

On the Van, that smells like yucks:

Lucas: I love the smell of the van.  It reminds me of good times.  I wonder if the EMP will want to have that van in the Allium (his band) exhibit.

Becky: Do your Friday thing that you did earlier.

Me: I was funny earlier?

Becky: *sigh* She was leaving the Edible Bouquet place and when the guy said have a great day she replied “Have a GOOD Friday.”

I’ll be in NY this weekend—call me if you are around.  And no matter what, have a very Happy Easter and a great weekend!

True Story

Becky made this card for me… and b/c while it was for me, it was also for everyone else to enjoy in the mocking of yours truly, I had to read it out loud.  When I was finished reading, she told me that she had cut out two pages b/c they we’ren't working out, but they had read “I bet, while Tiffany read this out loud, she said “True Story” after every page.”  She knows me too well. 

Old In Port Angeles on Prom Sunday

For my 30^th birthday I threw myself a “30 is the new 70” party in which I wanted all of my friends to dress up like they were 70, 85 or in my case 99, go to a B&B in Port Angeles, play canasta and bocce, visit antique and dime stores, complain about the stairs, and basically be old for a weekend.  Honestly, I think our costumes were so good that when I was walking around town and encountered real elderly, I was uncomfortable because we were dressed the same from support hose to babushka and I didn’t want to insult anyone.  Between the Irish coffee, Pill Box Race, and Hook Rug’ing, I think we successfully accomplished all that I wanted to for the weekend (which if you know me, and my flair for packing in more than is physically possible, is rare.)  Here are some of the highlights…

On Friday, a couple of us went to Port Angeles early.   We settled in and started working on a Meatopia Puzzle (Naturally.) When Becky arrived later in the evening we immediately started getting ready for bed.  Rach suggested that Becky move the air mattress closer to us.  As Becky was struggling to place the air mattress in the middle of the floor I said, “You don’t have to listen to her just b/c she’s a doctor.”   

Becky: I’m hot.

Me: That won’t last.

As we were lying in bed, I also exclaimed: Oh! I forgot to tell you!  We thought we were going to miss the ferry—but then we didn’t.

Rach: That was the worst telling of that story you could have possibly told.

Becky: 99.9% of the time you tell great stories, but that .1%? You are never going to live down.

(and I still haven’t, as they continuously brought it up throughout the weekend.)

The real story is that we got in the car, and 5 minutes in, Rach pulls out a bag and asks “Prune’s anyone?”  Then we pulled into the ferry area, and 2 cars before the toll, we were stopped for 40 minutes.  At 6:15, the time that the ferry was scheduled to leave, we began moving, thinking we had another 45 minutes until the 7 o’clock ferry.  We drove through, turned at the stop light, and then… kept going—right onto the ferry.  We could NOT believe our luck at gaining 40 minutes of our lives.  I attributed it to the fact that I picked up a heads up penny that morning (Old people and their love of superstition huh?).  As we were still glowing in our good fortune, I mentioned that I thought the ferry was only 20 minutes long.  We went up to pick up one of the worst dinners ever.  A terrible hot dog, a terrible hamburger, a terrible turkey sandwich and a muffin (actually the muffin was fine… and ironically, I was avoiding meat b/c of Good Friday—Praise the Lord!) We also got some beers that we would shortly after, have to chug b/c no sooner had we sat down but we were pulling into the dock. 

Rach: We gazed at the sun as we ate its chips.

Me (Laughing hysterically): What was that from? I think it’s my favorite movie but I can’t remember which!

Rach: You said that-- on our road trip.

Me: OMG! That’s right.  Boy, am I funny.  And I was right, it is from my favorite movie—my life.

Antique store owner to Rach in her “Old Lady Dress”: It’s nice to see a lady in a dress. 

Me: Did you guys see that sign? It said “Wanted Clean Fill Dirt.”

Shane: I'm not an expert on dirt… but it’s generally not clean.

Rach: And it’s not filling.  I've rarely filled up on dirt. After 20 min I'm hungry again.

Shane: I’ve figured out the name for my son.  First name: First name. Second Name: Second name.

Me: Are you willing to change your last name to “Middle Initial”?

Me: Today is Palm Sunday.

Shana: Prom Sunday? Jesus does love a good formal.

Me: I'm very regal

Lucas: Like the cinema

Shane: Cathy-I clean the bathroom right?

Cathy: He’s never ever cleaned the bathroom. The closest he’s come to cleaning the bathroom is taking a shower.

We all went to dinner, where Lucas saw a piano and gave us an impromptu performance. 

Dawne: What's that show Zach loves the Greek one?

Me: Rome?

Laina also told us a delightful story about someone who was going to try to lay off the cocaine for their nieces wedding. They stashed the coke in a drawer to try and avoid using on the big day.  However, that day, they got a bit of a hankering and opened the drawer to find next to the coke, a dead rat, to which they exclaimed, “Oh the dear lord has given me a sign!  He must not want me doing coke at Crystal’s wedding!” (Sorry Laina.  You told this story soooo much better than I did, but I had my drink on at this point in the evening.)

Shane: When I got my iPad I had the word for “future” in Zulu engraved on the back.  Which is awesome b/c when I had it, it was the present, and if someone in the future buys it, it will have been engraved in the past, and still have no meaning.

Jen: The polyester napkin is the same material as my pants… I don’t know if I’m wiping my hands on the right thing!

Shana: Jen! Why haven’t we done a group rendition of “99 Problems” at Karaoke?

After looking at a stack of menus in front of Cathy, I said, “In Season 3 of “T O’B” this is when we randomly place objects to hide the fact that Cathy is pregnant.”

As Dawne, Jordan, Nate and Lucas were leaving dinner Laina said, “If there is an accident, Lucas, you were always my favorite.”

On our way home from dinner, I mentioned that I brought Guesstures if we wanted to play when we got back.  Shane launched into an elaborate and touching story (pun intended) that began with playing guesstures and showing his penis to demonstrate a clue and ended with Cathy being so appalled that she took his unborn child away from him and he was left a sad hallow of a man. 
Shane: Right Cathy?

Cathy: That’s rubbish.

Shane: I’m ready to get my whiskey on.  When do we have cake? Before or after cock guesstures?

We made bucket lists and then shared them with the group.  I would be remiss if I didn’t help Jamie check “Getting into the Monday Email” off his list. My friend Jen (Cake Envy Seattle) makes amazing cakes.  She made me a glorious “Tiffany’s” cake and as we were eating the scrumptious creation Jamie told me that after the Halloween party, there were two smaller pumpkin cakes left at his house.  Usually, no one likes to cut into Jen’s cakes b/c they are too pretty.  I always volunteer.) Jamie didn’t want to cut into the tiny pumpkins either, so he just lifted one up and every day just took a bite out of the bottom unless he had hallowed it out.  He then moved onto the second pumpkin… only to find that his husband had been doing the exact same thing.  

Shana: I'm going to town on that rug.

Jen: I'm glad I'm sleeping with you tonight.

Me: I understood that joke.

Shana: I do believe Jesus enjoys irony. 

Me: Imma bout to throw this water in your face.

Shana: But I don't have my face depends.

(And yes, I did put depends in everyone’s rooms, just in case.)

While sharing a bed with Rach and Becky:

Becky: I’m going to take control and turn the lights off.

Me (barely awake): Okay, Ron Weasley.

Becky Sniffs.

Rach: What? What are you giggling at?

Becky: I was just sniffling.

Me: This is a bed of trust Becky.  There will be no secrets.

Becky: What happens in the bed…

Me: Oh no, I’m sure this will be in the Monday email.

Rach: It’s more of a line of trust that anyone can get in or out of, but you still have to tell us everything.

Becky: This is going to take our work relationship to the next level.

Me: There is no higher level than “Hero.”

Me: I don’t even really like Bella.  I really like… oh wait.  I can’t remember her name.  That’s going to bother me.

We wanted to stop by Dungess Split on our way home which was on “Kitchen Dick” road.

 It took us a while to find the right trail (I was never good with Nature.)  We didn’t actually make it to the light house, but we did stop and look at the lighthouse through binoculars (and of course for a “Prom Sunday” picture.

And our official album cover shot…

We went to “Dazzled by Twilight” where Becky got an Edward watch.  When we were waiting for the ferry, Becky knocked on my car window and said, “Edward says we have 40 minutes.  Let’s get some ice cream.”

Jen was licking Lily’s cone so that it didn’t drip all over her hand.  As she handed it back she said:  This is the mommy tax.

Lily: Mommy is my taxi.

Jen: That’s also true.

Me: Mommy made a dig, and then Lily made a dig.  I guess you’re even.

Me: It’s 4:44!  Make a wish, but don’t tell me what it is or else it won’t come true.

Becky: I wished you a long and happy life

Me: Jokes on you I already had one - *sigh* guess my birthday weekend is over.

Me: Hey.

Lucas: Do you want to eat? B/c you can’t.

(I could explain this… but I’m not going to.)

Jen asked the lady at the B&B if they had ever had a group so thoroughly take over their home.  The woman told us about a group who spent the weekend trying to scare each other.  At one point, they took it too far by taking one of the porcelain figurines from the B&B and painting red blood on it.  So the gentlemen owner of the B&B waited until the guests went out for dinner and then put on a scream mask and jumped out at the ladies as they arrived back.  One of the women had already really needed to pee so after being scared half to death she ran inside.  When she entered the bathroom, the Lady from the B&B had put a motion sensored picture that yelled “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?” when she entered causing the lady to actually pee her pants.

I hope you enjoyed hearing about my weekend as much as I enjoyed living it. For more pictures you can check out my album here: 30 is the New 70