Before you ask, yes, I missed you too. The quick summary of last week was that I
went on a cruise with the Seattle/German fam.
Nathan and Kathi told me that they don't read all of my updates, and then
told me that I need to create a character list.
I told them that people who don't read what I write already, aren't allowed
to ask me to write more - not that it hasn't occurred to me that a character
list wouldn't be helpful mind you, I just get huffy sometimes.
Jordan, Dawne, Zach, Nate, Luke, plus Kathi (D&J's
German daughter), and Jordan's parent's, Mort and Judy were all in attendance
on the biggest ship ever made, the Allure of the Seas. I have lost count of how many cruises I have
been on, but this ship by far trumped them all.
Complete with an ice skating rink, deep diving pool, a central park,
boardwalk, Starbucks, surfing area, zip lining, rock climbing wall and well too
many other things to list here.
Overheard in the elevator of the ship: There isn't a sea
otter exhibit. Quite a disappointment.
Kathi: I was embarrassed to tell anyone I was going on
this trip [because of how extravagant it all was].
Me: Weird, I had the complete opposite feeling.
At midnight the night before we left:
Kathi: My flight is delayed. They think we will make it
to Atlanta in time. I hope so because otherwise I could have issues with my
connection. There are only Americans here O.O I can tell by their beige pants
and new balance shoes! Jk XD Either way apparently
my plane does not have an entertainment system, which rendered me close to a
nervous breakdown.
Meanwhile, at 5:45am, Lucas, who I must say not only
packed himself, but packed early and had included items that he thought his
siblings might forget, walked into the kitchen with a mariner’s hat, red
sunglasses, blue and red shirt, red seersucker shorts, and red flip flops. Here was the reaction as people trickled into
the kitchen:
Zach & Nate: You cannot leave the house like that.
Me: He's very matchy match. You might be cold, but otherwise I think you
look great.
Dawne: You might
be chilly on the plane.
Jordan: You can't go through security like that.
Lucas repeatedly told us that he was fine and wouldn't be
cold. "In fact, I think I have a
fever."
Jordan: Do you want TSA to not let you go on this trip
because they think you are wearing underwear?!
Lucas: I'm wearing shorts! I made these shorts myself! If
that happens, I'll just show them I have underwear under these.
Jordan: GO PUT A PAIR OF JEANS IN YOUR BACK PACK!
Lucas (walking up the stairs.): The world isn't ready for
you, Lucas.
Every time I go on a trip with this fam, I am always
worried I'm going to be left home a la Home Alone. Especially because when Nate was like 5,
Dawne told him to return a bike to a neighbor's house, and then left, leaving
Nate sitting patiently on the neighbor's front step.
Dawne: Speak up if you aren't here!
Nate: I'm here - this time.
Jordan: Is he still complaining about that time we left
him?
Nate: Don't be surprised if I reincarnate as a clingy
girl.
Dawne and I watched "This Means War" on the
plane, and I think I might have been bruised by the number of times she hit me
during this scene to emphasize that it might have been Dawne and I talking instead
of Witherspoon and Handler. (LOOKING FOR
CLIP!)
We got to Orlando safe and sound, except for Dawne's new
Mickey Suitcase, which was not sound upon arrival. Dawne went to talk to someone about it. While
we were waiting I learned two knew dance moves.
One involved one pointer finger straight up and twirling it around
(Classic Nate.) The second was a
minimalist breakdance from Lucas that also featured the pointer finger - but
this time this finger was reenacting a mini "worm." Both of these dance
moves would of course be repeated throughout the trip. Finally, she returned with two plastic bags
filled with her belongings saying, "Look!
I went in with one bag and came out with TWO!" Classy. We then quickly started our trip down
to Ft. Lauderdale. I started reading the
Pearl out loud to Dawne until it got too dark.
Then Dawne, Zach, Nate and Luke played Risk. When things started getting serious, I heard
Lucas say, "Mama. Please don't
attack me." I'm still not sure if
this tactic worked, but it was worth a try.
Let's see, met up with Kathi and Mort and Judy at the
hotel. I realized that despite my
attempt at being prepared for every possible situation, I had neglected to pack
a toothbrush, but Kathi brought TWO, so disaster was averted. (And you thought I was going to leave out the
details this week.) Did I mention that
Kathi is so proficient in English that when she can't think of the word, it
always ends up being something like “existentialism" or in Sunday's case,
Dawne and I struggled to come up with the word, "meringue." I mention this, because during this trip we
had several conversations that went like this:
Kathi: This is awkward.
Me: Oh, I think you're confusing the English language
again. The word you're looking for is
"Awesome."
After a high-five/fist pump action:
Kathi: I think you bruised me.
Lucas: Oh, I think
you're confusing the English language again.
The word you're looking for is "Bro'd" you.
With 7 people, and 7 people's worth of luggage, it was
impossible to fit everyone into the van safely.
As we were trying to figure out the situation so that we could get from
the hotel to the ship, Jordan yelled back at us, "GET IN THE CAR! GET IN
THE CAR! GET IN THE CAR!" to which
Lucas calmly replied, "You don't understand that it takes longer to get in
the car than for you to say "get in the car". It actually only takes two seconds to say
"get in the car."
Lucas: You know what would be a great name for a group
that had one Asian and one Jew?
"Soy Vey."
Me: You can still
make that happen.
Lucas: And a great
name for a group from Chicago? Ill
Noise.
During a late night discussion with Nate & Kathi
about relationships in the Champagne Bar (I ordered the Flirtini - more than
once.)
Kathi: I think my mom is worried about my single
status. She sent me a monkey seminar on
leadership and to go show that you're ready to mate.
We got on the ship, it was awesome. This was our room which had a central park
balcony:
And this was Dawne and I enjoying the view from her
balcony (before we set sail):
Let's see, the first thing we did was go to Johnny
Rockets and check out the surfing area.
Lucas told me that in New York, when someone wants two slices of pizza,
they just say that they want "two cuts." This was news to me, but it totally worked at
Sorento's. While we had the finest of
dining experiences, Luke ordered a lot of pasta with marinara and I think ate
around 20 hot dogs.
I should probably mention that Kathi hates water, getting
wet and riding horses. Naturally, I was immensely amused by the amount of
things we did to torture Kathi on this trip (she was seriously an incredibly
good sport during every single activity.)
I would even say she actually enjoyed herself a couple of times. Amazingly, she volunteered to get into a pool
even. Immediately after entering, I saw
an expression on her face that indicated that the water on her skin felt like
she was in a pool of urine - but the point here is she did get into a
pool. Then, she got out of the pool and
we played a full game of volleyball with strangers. I tried to take a nap on the beach of Haiti.
Me: Can someone explain to that crying baby that I need a
nap?
Dawne: His daddy is trying to have fun with him in the
water.
Me: Kathi, I think
we found a kindred spirit for you.
I can only describe the excursions as terrifyingly
awesome. Terrifying because every
activity made me think I might die or seriously injure myself, but then
eventually I was like WHOA I can't believe I did that - that was amazing. We got to Haiti an hour later because our
ship needed to help another in distress.
We then hit up the beach, climbed around on floaty things and
trampolines (again, being on the top of the slide because it was so high was terrifying.) Meanwhile, Lucas started climbing to the top
of things, holding up one finger and yelling, "AMERICA NUMBER ONE!"
(Just what the Haitian's wanted to hear, I'm sure.) We then went on a Jet Ski tour
- which shouldn't have been scary, but I wasn't used to not driving, and I was
afraid I was going to pull Dawne off the Jet Ski and we could both fly off and
break something. I did a lot of
screaming, "I. AM. HAVING. SO. MUCH. FUN!" every time I thought I was
going to die. At one point, Dawne, following
the group, was zigzagging across the sea instead of making a straight line, to
which I said, "What the hell are they doing....? Oh. I see. We're having FUN." I squeezed my legs so tightly together on
this trip, that the next morning my inner thighs were super sore. There was good news to be had, however. One,
they didn't leave me in Haiti and two, the next day we went horseback
riding! In the water! Combining Kathi's
two favorite things!
Day two of terrifying awesome. We climbed up Dunn's River Falls. Not on the side, but up the center, with
gushing water and no safety measures beyond holding hands. The gentleman hold my hand literally had to
pull me up the whole time, thank God. I
only fell twice, and the second time I twisted my ankle. In the end though, it was pretty awesome that
we did it. Here's a picture of other
people doing it because Dawne has our pictures - note that when we went, it was
so crowded that there were 4 or 5 lines going up and ours was in the
middle.
Still soaking wet, we grabbed some lunch and headed to
ride horses. Half was a normal ride, and
the end was us riding into the sea. I
don't know why I was scared of falling off the horse, but I definitely gave my
thighs another work out while whispering, "You're doing such a good job,
Baby" over and over (mostly to the horse, but a little bit to myself. He
was probably thinking, "What is this good crap? I'm doing GREAT."
On day three or 4:
Me: How many shirts did you pack?
Zach: Two.
He lied though, I saw at least 4. And one of Luke's.
Did I mention that I had a cold all week? See, the only real reason why I'm invited to
anything is to be happy and excited. So
clearly, I needed to pretend I didn't have a cold, down some Dayquil, and power
through. I did this until Thursday
morning, when my body must have known that it was a sea day, and I woke up
sleeeepy. Dawne said she had never seen
me so tired, and I couldn't drink enough coffee to battle it. Instead, I went up to the solarium and dozed
with the crew - taking breaks only to jump in the hot tub, and finish reading
the Pearl out loud. I also went down to
the infirmary for my ankle and Jordan's hurt side. When we got down there, we saw that it was
120 dollars for a consultation and 90 dollars if we needed a prescription. We decided to doctor ourselves instead. Jordan prescribed me an ace bandage, I
prescribed him some rest and to watch it to see if he got any worse. Done and done.
Look who we met on Thursday evening?
We went to the Champagne Bar one night before
dinner. They brought out appetizers and
peanuts - and because Lucas is allergic to peanuts, he said, "You say nice
place I say death trap." And then I gave him some Benadryl.
Friday, we went to the Yucatan Penninsula. We had to take a 45 min ferry ride (which
meant I got two really long naps in. Now
I know Sean's secret to happiness.) We
then took a bus to Xplore where there was swimming and rafting through stalactite
caves, zip-lining, and a crazy jeep ride.
In the caves, "I'm glad we gave Tiffany coffee. As soon as that kicks in, you're going to be
the best partner." I think it took
more like 20 minutes...
The zip-lining was scary because we were walking up these
really high towers in the pouring rain, and there was crazy wind, and NO RULES
or INSTRUCTIONS. Finally, I saw a sign
that said, "lift your legs up at the end of the line." It's not much, but I'll take it. It was also really cold - being soaking wet,
on the top of a tower with the rain - so I started randomly breaking into song,
"I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THE RAIN IS GONE!" but it didn't actually make
the rain go away. Dawne was so cold that
her hands looked dead. Like less then no
color. Dead for days, dead.
Then we did the little jeep things through the caves and huge
mud pits. We had to wait quite a bit, again in the torrential downpour. That's when I found out that Kathi has never
been soaked through, outside, all day long and then Nate asked, "What else
can we do to torture Kathi on this trip?" I let Kathi drive as I tried to
hum the Indiana Jones theme song - which is when we final found something that
Kathi LOVED. She asked if we could get,
for her birthday, an opportunity to drive a bulldozer or something else that
lets you drive through crazy terrain and mud.
We got stuck a couple of times... or at least someone a couple of cars
ahead of us got stuck, that left us stranded, in a cave, with the exhausting
pumping out, and Jordan yelling at us to move because we were going to miss our
bus and get stuck in Mexico forever.
Kathi and I found it hilarious that someone was probably also stuck with
one of the waterfalls of water falling on their heads, and while we were at
least having a terrifying blast, there were folks waiting for an hour not
knowing what was taking so long.
Don't worry. We
made it back to the ship - changed, using our towels mainly as a poncho. On our way back on to the ship, Nate and Zach
met a couple of young ladies. Later that
evening, Kathi said of the following conversation, laughing, "Lucas
embarrassed Zach and Nate so badly today."
To one of the ladies, asked Lucas about his neon yellow back pack.
Chick: What did you write on your back pack?
Lucas: Flower Power on one strap, and Skate and Distroy
on the other - spelled D-I-S for Lols
Saturday it rained, but I was outside anyway. We did NOT win the trivia prizes (actually
Judy did get a key chain.) I think Team
Majestic Shoelace did a good showing, though there was definitely some tension
when Kathi wrote down 5 instead of 7 children in the sound of music, and the
time I confused Hartford and Hartfield - even though I fixed it. I want it noted in big red letters that I
actually was playing for fun for once.
Mort took things slightly more seriously. We were a little late for dinner... poor
Kathi:
Then on Sunday, Jordan and I got up at 6 am, got off the
ship, rented two cars, picked up Dunkin' Donuts, then the fam (priorities), and
we all headed back up to Orlando. There
was a moment in which we were 5 minutes from the hotel, but then got lost for
an hour, making a full circle because of a GPS malfunction. I was kind bummed because it was cutting into
Disney time, but Kathi, Zach and I comforted ourselves with the reminder that
we weren't in the car with a lost Jordan (I heard a lot of cursing, pounding of
the steering wheel and the occasion death threat happened while three other
people curled into balls and put headphones in.) Good news?
I got two and half hours of Disney in!
We all wore our "Celebrating Dawne's Birthday" buttons too!
You gotta really want the Dumbo ride:
Tea cups!
We continued our "America Number 1" mantra
until I saw some folks from the UK and I yelled "England Number 2"
and then looked back at Kathi and said, "Germany Number Four!" to
which she said, "Yeah. We really
are number four. England isn't number 2
in anything though."
Before getting on the Haunted House ride, I saw a baby in
a father's arms.
Me: Who takes a baby on the haunted house ride?
Lucas: He's
tough. Just like my kids. The won't ever
be scared because I'm going to tell them to base jump. I'll say, "We’re not leaving until you
jump." I'm not going to jump though.
We were soaked on our way out, so I was so glad we were
getting into rental cars (because I would never have allowed us into Stella.)
More pictures to come!
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